Your Funny, Humorous or Incredible Military Stories

timshatz · 03-28-2008, 04:22 PM

Good one, thanks for bringing the thread back.

timshatz · 03-28-2008, 04:24 PM

Revised Aviation Dictionary

ALTERNATE AIRPORT: The area directly beyond the active runway when the engine quits on take off
ALTIMETER SETTING: The place where the altimeter sets. Usually hidden by the control column during a near-minimums instrument approach.
BANK: The folks who hold the mortgage on your aircraft.
BI-PLANE: What you'll say to your bird if flying costs keep going up
CARBURETOR ICE: Phrase used by pilots when explaining accident caused by fuel exhaustion.
"CLEAR": Warning shouted two seconds after hitting the starter button.
CONTROL TOWER: A small shack on stilts inhabited by government pensioners who can't hear. When they become blind, they are sent to centres.
CRITICAL ALTITUDE: Minus six feet.
CRITICAL ENGINE: That part of your airplane which used to be under the cowl, but is now in intensive care at the maintenance shop.
DEAD RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are.
DE-ICER: A device designed to operate under all weather conditions, except icing.
ENGINE FAILURE: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
FIREWALL: Section of aircraft especially designed to allow all engine heat and smoke to fill the cockpit.
GLIDING DISTANCE: Half the distance from your present position to the nearest decent landing area at the time of complete power failure.
GROSS WEIGHT: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and diving weights.
HOLDING PATTERN: The term applied to the dogfight in progress over any radio facility serving a terminal airport.
RANGE: Five miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks have become filled with air.
WALKAROUND: What you do when waiting for weather to clear.
LANDING FLAP: A 4000' roll out on a 3000' runway.

pbfoot · 03-28-2008, 04:54 PM

it was my job every morning to to a time check while at the same time checking out the crash bells . So the speech went much like this at the time of the tone it will be 0830 hours . One day I decided to be a little bit cocky and with the typical ATC disdain for the family trees of the aircrew and made the following speech . "At the time of the tone it will be 0830 hours and for the aircrew the big hand will be on the 8 and the little hand on the 6"

Captain Dunsel · 03-28-2008, 06:55 PM

I was a career Weather geek; I went in as an enlisted weather observer, became an officer, a forecaster, a technical consultant, and more.

One of my duties, about a year after becoming (horrors!) a Second Lieutenant, was to be the weather briefer for a C-130 group at Elmendorf AFB, AK. I had that job for almost 3 years, before being transferred back to the lesser 48. One aspect of that job that I really loved was that I got to ride out to the remote radar sites, so I could be more familiar with them when I briefed the crews. I also got to brief the full-bird Colonel in charge of the group every weekday.

Shortly after I pinned on Captain, I was preparing my overhead projector slides, when I got called to a phone and had to leave them for a while. When I got back from the phone, I took the slides and walked over to the conference room to do the briefing.

All went well, until I got to the last slide. That's when the Colonel laughingly asked me if I read my slides before showing them. When I turned around to the screen and looked, I saw a note on the bottom of the last slide, reading "Help! Capt. Dunsel is keeping me prisoner in the weather station!".

No, I didn't kill the Sgt who'd done it, since he and his wife were close friends of ours (we still try to keep in touch, even though they now live near Nome and we live in NJ).

CD

Konigstiger205 · 03-29-2008, 03:12 AM

Great stories guys

Matt308 · 03-29-2008, 12:35 PM

Good ones! Back on track!

ccheese · 03-29-2008, 07:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pbfoot

it was my job every morning to to a time check while at the same time checking out the crash bells . So the speech went much like this at the time of the tone it will be 0830 hours . One day I decided to be a little bit cocky and with the typical ATC disdain for the family trees of the aircrew and made the following speech . "At the time of the tone it will be 0830 hours and for the aircrew the big hand will be on the 8 and the little hand on the 6"

They had a situation much like this while I was stationed in Charleston, SC,
in 1959. The local radio announcer gave the time, then added, "for the benifit
of you Marines, Mickey's big hand is on the.........."

I heard the Commandant, 5th ND made such a stink over it, the man got fired.

Charles

pbfoot · 03-29-2008, 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ccheese

They had a situation much like this while I was stationed in Charleston, SC,
in 1959. The local radio announcer gave the time, then added, "for the benifit
of you Marines, Mickey's big hand is on the.........."

I heard the Commandant, 5th ND made such a stink over it, the man got fired.

Charles

wow that CO was little retentive

Matt308 · 03-29-2008, 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ccheese

They had a situation much like this while I was stationed in Charleston, SC,
in 1959. The local radio announcer gave the time, then added, "for the benifit
of you Marines, Mickey's big hand is on the.........."

I heard the Commandant, 5th ND made such a stink over it, the man got fired.

Charles

Man I hope that isn't true. Funny, but waste of a career.

A4K · 03-31-2008, 03:03 AM

Great stuff guys!

When I was in the ATC (Air training Corps) we sometimes drank with the old soldiers in the RSA club. One day the subject of sex came up (as it always does somehow..) and one of the old boys started making fun of one of my mates, saying he wouldn't even know what that was yet. My mate replied that not only did he know what it was, but had had it alot more recently than the old soldier had. The old boy thought about it and said "Well, the last time I had sex was about 1945". "There you go" said my mate, "That's bloody ages ago!". "I don't know about that,' replied the old soldier "it's only 2100 now!"

Konigstiger205 · 03-31-2008, 04:54 AM

Good one A4K

lesofprimus · 03-31-2008, 06:18 AM

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, 1993...

During some weekend time, we headed to the PX and picked up a couple bottles of Rum and some Cokes.... Gonna hit the beach, get drunk, snorkel some, and BBQ some meat...

After we get sidetracked on the way to the beach, and much Rum consumption, we show up.... A small commotion goes on as we make our way to the little cabanas on the beach.... I run into my buddy Cooksie at one of the cabanas, wasted and wobblin all over the place... His feet are bleedin all over the place from several sea urchin spines that tagged him earlier....

At one point, I asked him how the hell he's dealin with the obvious pain in his feet, he pointed to this red gallon sized Thermos bottle with the sip spout on top.... He says "Take a couple swigs.."

So I tilt it back and start chuggin.... Several good gulps... Then take a breath and hit it again.... Gulp gulp gulp....

Then, that wonderful little reality check light comes on behind my right eye at the same time that the almost PURE 151 Bacardi Rum/Coke combination hits my gullet....

I ask Cooksie, "What the hell is this???"

He grins and says "Theres alittle Coke in there, the rest is 151..."

I knew at that very moment that I was in for an interesting evening.... Unfortunately, it also happens to be the one time in my life where I actually blacked out for a period of time... That is, being semi-functional and not remembering a thing....

We did some snorkeling on the reef, and I remember eating some cookies at the Cabana....

Reality came back around 8:30 or so, and I was on the Shuttle Bus back to the pier...

With a pair of shorts on....

And nothing else....

No ID card... No flip flops... No backpack or shirt, no wallet or hat... Just me, my nipple ring and my swim trunks....

I got off the Bus, and made my way to the beer tent and got a beer off a deck ape buddy of mine... Told the short story from above, and started scheming on how to get back on the ship without my ID....

Along come these 3 fu*kin Jarhead as*holes, drunk like everyone else, running their chaw-chewing mouths about my gay nipple ring... It didnt take long before I knocked one out, had the other in a headlock while his buddy was screaming for help....

Turns out, a Senior Chief on Shore Patrol I knew from another Cruise comes up and breaks this up... He knows me by name and gets me outta a hornets nest of drunk Marines before I get my ass stomped...

I found my way back onto the ship without my ID card.... Shore Patrol Escort....

I didnt get into any trouble, but man, the hangover I had the next 2 days more than made up for it...

DBII · 03-31-2008, 10:49 AM

Ok, my stories are lame but here are a couple of fast ones. While in the USAR, I was rotated into the S-1 slot. Since it was an O4 postion and I was still a O3, I was only a little pissed about it. I was assigned an O2 as an asst. , he was an Inf type. Our unit was mostly tankers so the LT was always getting h***.

He started off on the wrong foot. Our O6 would normally introduce the newbies at the end of the morning briefing. The meeting did not go well. The O6 had spend most of the meeting chewing on the O4s becasue they were not getting some basic admin functions done. He said the "this is not rocket science" line. A few minutes later he introduced the Lt and the O6 asked him what his real job was. The Lt answered rocket scientist. Of course the room broke out in laughter and the O6 was not happy. The Lt was working on his PhD in astrophyics something or another and worked at NASA.

This was a special unit, 500 members and 400 were officers most of which were 04 and above and two Generals. The company officers did the work normally done by the NCOs. The Lt always told everyone that he was my p*** boy. He was the person that had to empty the chamber pots each day. Once the notice came down from Division that we had to have a Drug testing officer, I jumped at the chance to make the Lt a real p*** boy.

DBII

Matt308 · 03-31-2008, 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lesofprimus

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, 1993...

During some weekend time, we headed to the PX and picked up a couple bottles of Rum and some Cokes.... Gonna hit the beach, get drunk, snorkel some, and BBQ some meat...

After we get sidetracked on the way to the beach, and much Rum consumption, we show up.... A small commotion goes on as we make our way to the little cabanas on the beach.... I run into my buddy Cooksie at one of the cabanas, wasted and wobblin all over the place... His feet are bleedin all over the place from several sea urchin spines that tagged him earlier....

At one point, I asked him how the hell he's dealin with the obvious pain in his feet, he pointed to this red gallon sized Thermos bottle with the sip spout on top.... He says "Take a couple swigs.."

So I tilt it back and start chuggin.... Several good gulps... Then take a breath and hit it again.... Gulp gulp gulp....

Then, that wonderful little reality check light comes on behind my right eye at the same time that the almost PURE 151 Bacardi Rum/Coke combination hits my gullet....

I ask Cooksie, "What the hell is this???"

He grins and says "Theres alittle Coke in there, the rest is 151..."

I knew at that very moment that I was in for an interesting evening.... Unfortunately, it also happens to be the one time in my life where I actually blacked out for a period of time... That is, being semi-functional and not remembering a thing....

We did some snorkeling on the reef, and I remember eating some cookies at the Cabana....

Reality came back around 8:30 or so, and I was on the Shuttle Bus back to the pier...

With a pair of shorts on....

And nothing else....

No ID card... No flip flops... No backpack or shirt, no wallet or hat... Just me, my nipple ring and my swim trunks....

I got off the Bus, and made my way to the beer tent and got a beer off a deck ape buddy of mine... Told the short story from above, and started scheming on how to get back on the ship without my ID....

Along come these 3 fu*kin Jarhead as*holes, drunk like everyone else, running their chaw-chewing mouths about my gay nipple ring... It didnt take long before I knocked one out, had the other in a headlock while his buddy was screaming for help....

Turns out, a Senior Chief on Shore Patrol I knew from another Cruise comes up and breaks this up... He knows me by name and gets me outta a hornets nest of drunk Marines before I get my ass stomped...

I found my way back onto the ship without my ID card.... Shore Patrol Escort....

I didnt get into any trouble, but man, the hangover I had the next 2 days more than made up for it...

That's friggin' classic...

Matt308 · 03-31-2008, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DBII

Once the notice came down from Division that we had to have a Drug testing officer, I jumped at the chance to make the Lt a real p*** boy.

DBII

Good one, DB.