Can I be an honorary Englishman?

[Wildcat]

Phew! Your lucky Njaco, next step was bad teeth and pale skin...

[Njaco]

That I was the first test and I passed!

[bigZ]

Speaking as an Englishmen who can trace his ancestry back to 1066. My favorite teas are Earl Grey an Rose pouchong.

PG Tips is suitable for the commoner only. Rumour has it that they stew it till the spoon is able to stand in it and sweetened with six tablespoons of sugar.

Real tea comes out of a teapot.

If your feeling really bold try Lapsang Sauchong.

Sweetner made out of Coal or Oil is an affront to any right thinking individual.

[freebird]

Originally Posted by Njaco

When I applied to become British....

I saw the interview of John Cleese, (after he had been living in America for a few years) they asked him what were the biggest differences between living in Britain & USA, he answered that in Britain

1.) They drink Tea instead of Coffee

2.) You can cut somone off in traffic without getting shot at,

3.) When you meet the head of state you only have to go down on ONE knee.


(the interview was in the late 90's....)

[Thorlifter]

Originally Posted by Njaco

When I applied to become British I had to:

1. Recite the complete "Argument" sketch by Monty Python.
2. Convert to The Church of England.
3. Name 2 Britcoms.
4. Own at least five Books on Admiral Nelson.
5. Add "Bobby" and "fuzzy-wuzzie" to my lexicon.
6. Have a shrine somewhere in my home to Manchester United.
7. Recite the rules of Football ( ) and Cricket.
8. Name either Churchill, Maggie or Wellington as my favorite person of all time.
9. Name all the wars under Queen Victoria.
10. Define "bonnet" and "spanner".

Sadly, I didn't make it.

Damn, I thought I'd get in on just drinking tea! I've got #1 covered, but the rest, I'm done for.

[Downwind.Maddl-Land]

Originally Posted by Njaco

When I applied to become British I had to:

1. Recite the complete "Argument" sketch by Monty Python.

Do you want the 5-minute argument or the full half-hour?

Originally Posted by Wildcat

Phew! Your lucky Njaco, next step was bad teeth and pale skin...

Nothing wrong with my teeth:

Look:

[Njaco]

I'm with Downwind. Theres nothing wrong with my tooth.

"I told you once."
"No, you didn't"

[Lucky13]

I say old chaps...what about those blasted neds?

[Downwind.Maddl-Land]

Sorry lucky - don't understand the Banter

[Downwind.Maddl-Land]

Originally Posted by Njaco

I'm with Downwind. Theres nothing wrong with my tooth.

"I told you once."
"No, you didn't"

Yes you did!

This isn't argument - it's merely contradiction.

[Lucky13]

You what!?

[Lucky13]

Sorry DM, they might be called chavs south of the border.... Non-Educated Delinquent....

[Njaco]

No, it isn't. Look, if you want to argue I have to take up a contradictory position.....oh, is this the 5 minute or the full half hour?"

[Lucky13]

Cough...cough...eeerrrmmm....

The Cast (in order of appearance.)
M= Man looking for an argument
R= Receptionist
Q= Abuser
A= Arguer (John Cleese)
C= Complainer (Eric Idle)
H= Head Hitter


M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Pause
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!

A: Yes it is!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
Pause
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
A: Thank you.
short pause
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M: I want to complain.
C: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.


(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M: uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now..
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.

[Njaco]

"Look, its people like you wot cause unrest!"