Only a man would attempt this... - Aircraft of World War II

Colin1 · 07-01-2009, 05:55 AM

can't vouch for its authenticity but amusing

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety

WAY TOO COOL

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing . . . I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way !'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head tilted to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…………..HOLY MOTHER OF GOD…………..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION…………WHAT THE HELL. I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL. . .

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. If you think education is difficult, Try being stupid....

Wayne Little · 07-01-2009, 07:58 AM

Should have zapped the f*cking cat...ROTFLMAO....

RabidAlien · 07-01-2009, 08:43 AM

I love that last line! Sooooo true!

Gnomey · 07-01-2009, 02:39 PM

That is great!!

wheelsup_cavu · 07-01-2009, 05:32 PM

That hurt!

Made me think of Matt's thread about the guy who damaged his privates.

Wheels

Aaron Brooks Wolters · 07-01-2009, 07:40 PM

I've read it before but no matter how many times I see it I have to read it. It's hilarious!!!!

ccheese · 07-01-2009, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayne Little

Should have zapped the f*cking cat...ROTFLMAO....

I'll second that !!! Quick, do the damn cat !!!!

Barnum said it all, "There's one born every second !!!!"

Charles

Erich · 07-01-2009, 09:19 PM

sorry, but what an A**, you might as well pointed the thing at your .................................................. little nutz

vikingBerserker · 07-01-2009, 10:42 PM

I once took apart my wife's pepper spray gadget to see how it worked and like a true dumbass I pressed the trigger down to snap it back in place (which by the way was pointing at my face). I'll never forget the words that went through my mind before my eyes started burning - You dumbass son-of-a.......OWWWWWWWWWWWW

It must be a DNA thing.

GrauGeist · 07-01-2009, 10:46 PM

I've seen that before, and I still wonder WTF was the guy thinking...seriously?

wheelsup_cavu · 07-02-2009, 05:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GrauGeist

I've seen that before, and I still wonder WTF was the guy thinking...seriously?

As part of a friends police training several years ago she was required to have the pocket stun gun she was going to carry be used on her.
All the recuits had to have it done to them.
I've seen videos showing the same thing being done to recruits, I'll see if I can find some.

The rationale was if it was used on you and you knew how much it hurt you wouldn't be as willing to use it randomly.
I always wondered why they didn't take it to the extreme and shoot them in the leg to show them how much a gunshot wound hurt.

They also didn't require them to have the bejesus beat out of them with a night stick either.
Which is another form of non-lethal weaponry like the stun gun.

The rationale just never made sense to me that it was OK to use one of their "weapons" on them but not the others.

I do find the original post hilarious though.

Wheels

GrauGeist · 07-02-2009, 11:18 AM

In California, the taser familiarization is now optional, the pepper spray isn't.

wheelsup_cavu · 07-02-2009, 01:53 PM

I forgot about the Pepper Spray.

Wheels

vanir · 07-12-2009, 07:12 AM

Yanks are kind of stupid, huh.

Remind me why we're letting you keep weapons of mass destruction again?

Wayne Little · 07-12-2009, 08:58 AM

Time to duck man!

07-01-2009, 05:55 AM	#1
Colin1 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 1,766	Only a man would attempt this... can't vouch for its authenticity but amusing Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety WAY TOO COOL Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing . . . I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way !' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . . I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head tilted to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…………..HOLY MOTHER OF GOD…………..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION…………WHAT THE HELL. I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE HELL. . . A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. If you think education is difficult, Try being stupid....

07-01-2009, 07:58 AM	#2
Wayne Little Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Adelaide Sth. Aust. Posts: 12,511	Should have zapped the f*cking cat...ROTFLMAO.... __________________

07-01-2009, 08:43 AM	#3
RabidAlien Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Hurst, Texas Posts: 2,827	I love that last line! Sooooo true! __________________ Pillage, then burn. Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well on toast.

07-01-2009, 02:39 PM	#4
Gnomey "World Traveller" Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Royal Deeside/St Andrews, Scotland, UK Posts: 15,224	That is great!! __________________ "Success is not Final, Failure is not Fatal, it is the Courage to Continue that Counts" Sir Winston Churchill "To him the People of the World Largely owe the Freedom and Liberties they Enjoy Today" Enscription on Hugh Dowding's (AOC Fighter Command 1936-40) statue in London WW2 Talk: A WW2 Discussion Forum My Photo Collections on Flickr

07-01-2009, 05:32 PM	#5
wheelsup_cavu Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Corona, California Posts: 1,534	That hurt! Made me think of Matt's thread about the guy who damaged his privates. Wheels __________________ Cheers Wheelsup_cavu Wheels's Photos - Time lapse build of an F/A-18 Super Hornet - Lock N' Load

07-01-2009, 07:40 PM	#6
Aaron Brooks Wolters Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Abingdon, VA. Posts: 2,300	I've read it before but no matter how many times I see it I have to read it. It's hilarious!!!!

07-01-2009, 09:19 PM	#8
Erich the old Sage Join Date: May 2004 Location: Platonic Sphere Posts: 10,775	sorry, but what an A**, you might as well pointed the thing at your .................................................. little nutz __________________ Rip it up !

07-01-2009, 10:42 PM	#9
vikingBerserker Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: South Carolina Posts: 3,768	I once took apart my wife's pepper spray gadget to see how it worked and like a true dumbass I pressed the trigger down to snap it back in place (which by the way was pointing at my face). I'll never forget the words that went through my mind before my eyes started burning - You dumbass son-of-a.......OWWWWWWWWWWWW It must be a DNA thing. __________________ "Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it" "Those who dwell in the past, condemn the future"

07-01-2009, 10:46 PM	#10
GrauGeist Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Redding, California Posts: 3,356	I've seen that before, and I still wonder WTF was the guy thinking...seriously? __________________ "Look back over the past, with its changing empires that rose and fell, and you can foresee the future." - Marcus Aurelius, Emperor of Rome > I Support Doug Gillis <

07-02-2009, 11:18 AM	#12
GrauGeist Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Redding, California Posts: 3,356	In California, the taser familiarization is now optional, the pepper spray isn't. __________________ "Look back over the past, with its changing empires that rose and fell, and you can foresee the future." - Marcus Aurelius, Emperor of Rome > I Support Doug Gillis <

07-02-2009, 01:53 PM	#13
wheelsup_cavu Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Corona, California Posts: 1,534	I forgot about the Pepper Spray. Wheels __________________ Cheers Wheelsup_cavu Wheels's Photos - Time lapse build of an F/A-18 Super Hornet - Lock N' Load

07-12-2009, 07:12 AM	#14
vanir Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Melbourne Posts: 293	Yanks are kind of stupid, huh. Remind me why we're letting you keep weapons of mass destruction again?

07-12-2009, 08:58 AM	#15
Wayne Little Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Adelaide Sth. Aust. Posts: 12,511	Time to duck man! __________________

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