Quokes and Jokes

[Wurger]

And the Kieras' party.

[k9kiwi]

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Lucky13]

Only in America...
...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

[Lucky13]

Swearing Lesson Caution though....

[Njaco]

Atheist's holiday

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays.

He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!"

The lawyer pompously said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. “And just when might that holiday be, your Honor?"

The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday! Get it?"

[Wurger]

[k9kiwi]

Three elderly gentlemen were discussing the facts of growing old one day sipping their beer at the local pub.

The 70 year old stated...

"I wake up at 7.30 and stand there straining until I am blue in the face, and all I get is a sad little trickle"

The 80 year old replied...

"I wake up at 8.00 and sit down, strain, grunt, force, until tears are running down my face for very little result"

The 90 year old sad sadly...

"At 7.00 I pee like a horse, and at 8.00 I take a dump that would make an elephant proud."

Whats wrong with that said the 80 year old.

The reply was....

"I don't wake up until 9.00"

[v2]

...

[k9kiwi]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
over-sensitive woman.

My name is Roger. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Shirley. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
Shirley to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after
she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked
grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Shirley.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.

Signed,
Roger
*
EDITOR'S NOTE:

Roger died suddenly on April 27 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Shirley was arrested
and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Roger somehow, Without looking, accidentally
sat down on his golf club.

[Gnomey]

[Njaco]

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and
get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat
in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd rea lly like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat
in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had h appened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN

[v2]

[Wurger]

[Gnomey]

[v2]

...