Quokes and Jokes

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[phatzo]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way yo...u do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?” "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!", "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.” "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?” "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[Gnomey]

[Wayne Little]

saw that coming....

[RabidAlien]

Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back."

He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."

[Crimea_River]

Wouldn't that be nice if dogs learned to text instead of barking all night

[Gnomey]

[RabidAlien]

The Fert

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
stert workin like a gentle breeze
but soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
will have ye blawin all ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a’bodys gonnae have tae pay
even if ye try to stifle
It’s like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
tae try and stop the leakin air
shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
oot it comes like a clap a thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae **** ma breeks
tae the bog I better scurry
aw whit the hell, it’s no ma worry
A’body roon aboot me chokin
wan or two are nearly bokin
I’ll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! I shout with accusin glower
alas too late, he’s just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair
Where e’re ye go let yer wind gan’ free
sounds like just the job fur me
whit a fuss at rabbie’s perty
ower the sake o’ won wee ferty

[Crimea_River]

Och, tha' was a good un!

[Gnomey]

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

[Wayne Little]

[Airframes]

Where 'ere you be, let the wind blow free.
In church or chapel, let it rattle !
And why do farts smell? For the benefit of the deaf, of course!

[RabidAlien]

No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]