Quokes and Jokes

[DOUGRD]

[DOUGRD]

If everyone here will excuse me for posting a repeat I'd like to post another version of the joke Wayne Little posted at #711...
A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satify a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would think the matter over carefully. The following day he announced that he would accept their offer but only under four conditions.
"First", said Bobby Lee, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "You can't tell no one about this"
The Keeper again readily agreed.
"Third" Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."
Once again it was agreed.
And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00"

[DOUGRD]

I think I've watched Jeff Foxworthy too much...(For those of you who don't know Jeff, he's a comedian who tells mostly "Redneck" jokes.)

My favorite one is: "If your richest relative buys a new home and you go over to help him take the wheels off it, you may be a redneck."

" If your father walks you to school every day because you're in the same grade, you may be a redneck."

"If you refer to the fifth grade as My senior year, you may be a redneck."

[k9kiwi]

George the Mailman

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

[DOUGRD]

Another classic worth repeating!

[Njaco]

You might be a Redneck if your Grandmother comes out of the bathroom and yells, "Hey, yall, cumere and look at this one!"

.....If your house is mobile and your car ain't.

.....if someone stops by and asks if your having a yard sale...every day of the week!

.....if your family tree don't fork.

[A4K]

An old Arab classic (love this one!) :


زمان* کورد* له *گه*شه*دا*ه
ئه*وه* به*ش* کورد** پر?ژه**ه*ک* ن?ونه*ته*وه**** کراوه**ه** و ئامانج*
ک?کردنه*وه** هه*موو زان*ار***ه*کان* مر??ه*. به* هه*و??ک* هاوبه*ش ئه*و
ئه*نس*کل?پ?د*ا به*لاشه* گه*شه* ده**کا. هه*مووان ده*توانن *ب? خ?ناونووس
کردن
به*شدار* بکه*ن له* نووس*ن* ئه*و ئه*نس*کل?پ?د*ا*ه*. ئ?وه* ئه*و
ئه*نس*کل?پ?د*ا*ه ده*نووسن هه*ر .ر?ژ
و*ک*پ?د*ا*
کورد* له* گه*شه* کردن*دا*ه. ئ?ستا گوتار* كورد* ت?دا*ه به زاراوه*کان*:
كرمانج*, س?ران* و زازاک*

[ScOoTeR1992]

ok A4K whats the catch i don't speak arab

[A4K]

The punchline: ..So the waiter says "Hey! That's not a duck !" (applause)

(...Thankyou, thankyou, you've been a wonderful audience!...)

[Wayne Little]

Some great jokes...Guys..

Evan, be careful man, Dan might "ban ur *ss" for spam!! or at the very least grafitti....

[Njaco]

A4K! Thats great!!...can't ....breath....laughing...too....oh man, wonderful!!

[rochie]

a 16yo boy comes home with a huge grin on his face
"what you so happy for" say's his dad
"just had sex for the first time" he replies
"great" say's the dad "i'll get you a new bike to celebrate but you'll have to wait till pay day"
"no probs dad my arse is so sore i wont be able to ride it yet anyway"

[v2]

An old man is celebrating his 70th birthday. After the cake and party is done, he has all of his grandchildren sit around as he tells a story of his younger days.

"When I turned 20, my friends and I decided to go to Africa one summer to hunt lions for fun. We were young and loved adventure. So one day, while my friends and I were out with our rifles searching for lions, I started to feel a bit sleepy. I told my friends to go ahead of me as I rested under the shade of a tree. Then, as I slowly opened my eyes a few minutes later, I saw the biggest lion I had ever laid my eyes on in the distance charging at me....coming closer...and closer....and closer.....as I reached for my rifle, the lion jumped and ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR.......I sh!tted my pants."

His youngest grandchild feeling sorry for his grandfather, puts his hand on his grandfather's knee and says, "Grandpa, if I were you and a big scary lion was charging at me, I would also crap my pants."

At this, the grandfather turns to the child and says, "No, son, just now when I said "ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR" I sh!tted my pants."

[A4K]

Ha ha, what a loser RRRROOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!
...Oops, excuse me a moment...

[Wayne Little]