 | Quokes/Jokes... Continued! Chapter 3| OFF-Topic / Misc. Discuss Quokes/Jokes... Continued! Chapter 3 in the Current forums; ... |
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10-09-2007, 01:26 PM
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#196 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Bucharest
Posts: 832
Country:  |
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These airplanes we have today are no more than a perfection of a child's toy made of paper."Henri Coanda" | 
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10-09-2007, 01:34 PM
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#197 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Kiwi Land
Posts: 849
Country:  | Harley Davidson
Arthur (Harley) Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”
Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”
God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty
unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but
aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and
5. The maintenance costs are enormous!”
“Hmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the
results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”
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4 out of 5 voices in my head say I am normal. Majority rules.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. | |
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10-09-2007, 02:03 PM
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#198 | | Siggy Master
Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Poland
Posts: 7,405
Country:  |
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10-09-2007, 10:37 PM
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#199 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: South Jersey, United States
Posts: 7,214
Country:  | 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille
lettering.
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"If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it's English, thank a soldier!" | |
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10-09-2007, 10:44 PM
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#200 | | Older Than Dirt
Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia
Posts: 5,318
Country: | Quote:
Originally Posted by Njaco  1. Only in America....... | That's pretty good, Chris...... We park in the driveway and drive
on the parkway !!
Charles
__________________  I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow doesn't look good either.... | |
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10-10-2007, 10:04 AM
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#201 | | Siggy Master
Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Poland
Posts: 7,405
Country: | Really good Chris. 
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10-10-2007, 10:18 AM
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#202 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Nora Springs, Iowa
Posts: 260
Country: | Good lord, I forgot how bad some of this humor is! 
__________________ "I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Courage is a quality God has seen fit to dispense with utmost care. The men of Bataan were His chosen favorites."
- Major General Edward P. King, Jr., USA
Commanding General, Luzon Forces, 1942
"No Mother, no Father, no Uncle Sam."
- Cabantuan P.O.W.'s flag motto.  | |
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10-10-2007, 03:28 PM
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#203 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Kiwi Land
Posts: 849
Country: | Don't bitch, add some of yours.
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4 out of 5 voices in my head say I am normal. Majority rules.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. | |
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10-10-2007, 07:09 PM
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#204 | | Siggy Master
Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Poland
Posts: 7,405
Country: |
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10-11-2007, 08:10 AM
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#205 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: South Jersey, United States
Posts: 7,214
Country: | some more bad humour....
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
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"If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it's English, thank a soldier!" | |
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10-11-2007, 09:16 AM
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#206 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: my azz is in Mississippi, but, I am a true Texan.
Posts: 944
Country: | Tis' but a wee giggle for you...
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...
__________________  "I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it." - Voltaire
A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.
- Albert Einstein Life is tough..its even harder when you're stupid. -John Wayne | |
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10-11-2007, 10:08 AM
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#207 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Nora Springs, Iowa
Posts: 260
Country: | Things that sound bad in golf, though aren't.
1. Damn it, lost another ball!
2. Hole in one!
3. 1 iron or 3 wood.
4. Finnaly got it in!
That's all I remember.
__________________ "I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Courage is a quality God has seen fit to dispense with utmost care. The men of Bataan were His chosen favorites."
- Major General Edward P. King, Jr., USA
Commanding General, Luzon Forces, 1942
"No Mother, no Father, no Uncle Sam."
- Cabantuan P.O.W.'s flag motto. | |
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10-11-2007, 08:48 PM
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#208 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 1,549
Country:  | | |
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10-11-2007, 09:24 PM
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#209 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: South Jersey, United States
Posts: 7,214
Country: | or these....
__________________
"If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it's English, thank a soldier!" | |
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10-11-2007, 11:33 PM
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#210 | | Junior Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 2
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