Quokes/Jokes... Continued! Chapter 3

[Wurger]

V2

[Les'Bride]

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom! “

I was equally outraged. “Hey , how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.

“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . M!#%&^%$#. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just . just . . . excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just .that . . I’m picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . “She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!!!!!

[Wurger]

[v2]

Classic Affairs:


The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, hey fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!"


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "Stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don ' t move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed d the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

[Wurger]

[k9kiwi]

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

[Screaming Eagle]

[DOUGRD]

What is the difference between a Scot shepherd and a rolling stone? A rolling stone says "Hey you, get off of my cloud" and a Scot shepherd says"Hey McCloud get off of my ewe!"

[v2]

...

[Gnomey]

[Heinz]

!!!

[Aussie1001]

Good one

[Konigstiger205]

[k9kiwi]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his constant boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in, have a beer!”



Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says. “OK how about President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “George and I are old buddies, let's fly out to Washington”.

And off they go to Washington.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up”.

Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I've known the Pope for years.”

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says “This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope”.

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man standing next to me said...... “Who the fk's that on the balcony with Dave?”

[Wayne Little]

Nice one k9kiwi...