Quokes/Jokes... Continued! Chapter 3

plan_D · 02-22-2008, 10:54 AM

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
Father, he confessed, 'It has been one month since my last confession.

I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.

I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

"Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'

Matt308 · 02-22-2008, 07:42 PM

> A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a
> fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed
> that the Maitre D' was a robot.
>
> The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there
> is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with
> you until a table is ready, If you please."
>
> Intrigued, the man said, "OK."
>
> The robot clicked a couple more times and then
> asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
>
> The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
>
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of
> relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest
> medical breakthroughs, etc.
>
> The man was most impressed. The next day he
> returned, But thought he would try a different tack.
>
> The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This
> time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
>
> So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the
> latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red
> Sox to do this weekend.
>
> The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day
> he returned.
>
> Again the robot asked the question, "What is your
> IQ?"
>
> This time the man drawled out, " Uh...'bout 50."
>
> The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly
> asked,
>
> "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o
> n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

wilbur1 · 02-23-2008, 12:34 PM

good one matt

Wurger · 02-23-2008, 05:16 PM

Matt308 · 02-24-2008, 01:13 PM

Aisle Seat.

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine
sat down in the aisle seat.After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes
off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window
seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for
you'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat
in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

Whi le he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and
spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As
the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. 'Why does it have to be this way?'
he asked the two Arabs. 'How long must this go on? This fighting between
our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and
pissing in cokes?'

THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN

wilbur1 · 02-24-2008, 01:24 PM

Wayne Little · 02-24-2008, 10:09 PM

TopStuff, Matt!

DOUGRD · 02-24-2008, 10:34 PM

Oldie but a goodie!!!

Nj-p2

Heinz · 02-25-2008, 02:47 AM

Konigstiger205 · 02-25-2008, 03:02 AM

Good one Matt

A4K · 02-25-2008, 03:11 AM

Nice one, Matt! Billy Connolly used that many years ago (rival football supporters being the main characters), good to hear it again!

v2 · 02-25-2008, 03:33 PM

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

Matt308 · 02-25-2008, 04:15 PM

didn't see that one coming.

Aussie1001 · 02-25-2008, 05:42 PM

Very good one V2

heres one my maths b teacher told us....
it isn't real good but what the heck.

Cinderella is now ninety five years old and lately she has been down on her luck, recently her prince died and all their money has been lost through princes gambelling and smoking, all she has left is an old worn out cottage a rocking chair and a cat. One day whilst rocking on her chair her fairy godmother appears and they start to chat about days past, presently the godmother tells her she can have three more wishes.
her wishes were
1) To have all here money back
2) To look young and beautiful again
and finally to have her cat transformed into the most handsome prince in the world.
anyway after her wishes have been granted and the fairy godmother dissapears her prince comes up to her and wispers in her ear "i bet you wished you hadn't go me desexed now"