Quokes/Jokes... Continued! Chapter 3

[Cota1992]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.



The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.

'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.



'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.



'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck.

'Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.


'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round
this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.

'I'm
a plasterer.

'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.



So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.



The same thing happens for two weeks.



Then one day the circus comes to town.



The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus.

He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.


'Get him to give me a call.

'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.

'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck.

'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.



'The circus?' repeats the duck.



'That's right,' replies the barman.



'The circus?' the duck asks again.

'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.



'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.



'Of course,' the barman replies.



'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.



'That's right!' says the barman.



The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . . . . .
















'What the f*@k would they want with a plasterer??!'

[Cota1992]

The Country Funeral

As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.

Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"

[RabidAlien]

BOTH are great!!!

[Cota1992]

I rear-ended a car this morning.




So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car.




You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

[Wayne Little]

[RabidAlien]

So wrong...yet so funny!!!

[Matt308]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.


The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and asked, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[Catch22]

Hahahahaaha! That one was great!

[Wurger]

[Wayne Little]

Totally unexpected ending... love it!!

[Aussie1001]

Read these the second one is not really funny but i didn't know where else to put it...
(July 2002) This story was told at a symposium dinner, by two Austrian pathologists who work together in Germany. A deceased male was brought to them for a post mortem. He had suffered severe head trauma. According to police reports, the man wanted to see how a German World War II hand grenade was constructed. His curiosity led him to clamp the grenade in a vise, and cut a thin band around the center with a circular saw, so that he would be able to crack open the two halves. Unfortunately, the man cut a little too deep, and detonated the grenade. The pathologists stated that the man had very little brain material when he was brought to them; however, they were not sure if that was a result of the explosion!



(

[Wayne Little]

Aussie! you posted the same one twice??..

[Aussie1001]

shat. meant to post another hold on got it.
1 January 2002, Brazil) The game of Russian Roulette, long a breeding ground for natural selection, was improved upon by two men with a unique approach to self-destruction.
On New Year's Eve, Antonio and his friend were befogged by Pinga, a traditional Brazilian liquor, when they began playing a Russian Roulette variant using holiday fireworks. Their version of the game consisted of placing fireworks in their mouths, then lighting the fuses and competing to see who would delay longest before spitting out the firework.
The man, dare we call him "winner," who discarded the explosive closest to the point of detonation was the victor of this battle of wills.
Their blatant disregard for personal safety was matched only by their foolish bravery. Antonio was our winner, holding one of the fireworks in his mouth a bit too long, and thereby thereby earning praise for his "courage" at his funeral.

[Aussie1001]

this one is epic !!!
Doctors warn of a dangerous new method of cocaine abuse: injecting the drug directly into the urinary tract. Physicians from New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center reported the case of a 34-year-old man who suffered severe bleeding under the skin after pumping cocaine into his urethra. It led to complications that destroyed his penis, nine fingers, and parts of his legs. "They fill an eye dropper or a syringe with a cocaine solution and inject it into the penis," said Dr. Samuel Perry, a professor of clinical psychiatry.
The man had injected cocaine before intercourse in an effort to enhance sexual performance. He was admitted to the hospital because his penis had remained erect for three days, resulting in a painful inability to urinate. The medical term for a prolonged erection is "priapism." On his third day in the hospital, the man's erection suddenly subsided. Over the next 12 hours, blood leaked into the tissues of his feet, hands, genitals, back and chest. Blood coagulation caused tissues to die over large areas of the patient's body, and he was transferred to the burn unit of New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center.

Doctors there were forced to amputate the man's legs above the knee and all but one of his fingers to stop the spread of gangrene. The patient's penis fell off by itself. The man is currently recovering in a rehabilitation facility.

Men who inject cocaine into the penis report that it gives them a sexual high. Drug abuse treatment experts have previously reported external use of cocaine as a sexual stimulant. Cocaine powder is rubbed onto the surface of the genital organs by both men and women in an effort to halt premature ejacuation or improve sexual sensations.

"We report this case to alert clinicians to this new method of cocaine abuse and to describe its rare and previously unreported complications," the doctors concluded.

[ScOoTeR1992]

that is sick and twisted, god there are messed up people in this world