Quokes/Jokes... Continued! Chapter 3

[spit5]

YouTube - Rosjanin skacze na glowke * Russian Jump to Lake

[Wurger]

No flaps , no slats and crash-landing.

[RabidAlien]

....ouch....

[Wayne Little]

Loved 'em both! heard the lawyer one before though...

[Gnomey]

Loved the second one, first one was pretty good too - lawyers

[B-17engineer]

hahhah nice

[v2]

I just went home for 3 days..First morning I woke up with a killer hangover after going out with some friends. I did'nt remember how I got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. My wife must have gone to work. As I struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, my stomach plummets as I wondered what the hell I did last night.

I forced myself to open my eyes, and the first thing I see is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. I sat up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, there is no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene. I stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, I see that I have a black eye. This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.

As I concentrate hard on getting the world into focus, I see a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from my wife. 'Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's a helicopter show on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Kat. xoxo ' I stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. My teenage daughter is sitting at the table, eating. Bracing myself, I drum up the courage to ask what happened the previous night.

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, I asked, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note, and breakfast waiting for me?'

She replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged your sorry ass to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you w****, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $250
Hot Breakfast $3.50
Two Aspirins $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

And now I am back to work....

[Wayne Little]

[RabidAlien]

[wilbur1]

Perfect

[Gnomey]

[JugBR]

[Wurger]

An interview with the man who is the biggest smoker in all the world.

- What do you like the most in all the world?
- Smoking
- Smoking, is it possible?
- Yep , I like smoking.
- Might it be anything else?
- No, smoking only
- However there must be something else you can like,
- Very likely
- If yes, what it can be? Maybe sex...
- Perhaps
- Well if you like sex could you tell us with who, I mean women, men etc...
- With women, yes undoubtedly with women.
- Oh what nice....If a sex with a woman, tell us which of ways for this you like the most, please.
- What ?????
- What way of making love do you like? I mean classic, from back etc..
- Humm.... I think.... form back. Yes, yes the back way is the best.
- OK.. the back way.. why?
- Because I can smoke...

[Airframes]

You've probably heard it, but this is one of a series of true reports from ground servicing personnel, military and civil. As you know, when an aircraft is handed back to the ground crew after a flight, the pilot completes a form, noting any defects, faults etc., then the ground crew check it out, and take action as required. Here's the first one:-
Pilot's report - Test flight O.K., but port inner engine missing.
Ground crew summary and comment after action - port inner engine found after brief search of port wing.

[v2]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.