Quokes/Jokes... Continued! Chapter 3

RabidAlien · 10-14-2008, 07:54 AM

HEAVY THINKING...

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors...they didn't open. The library was closed!

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Dumb and Dumber." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Airframes · 10-14-2008, 08:38 AM

I like it!

v2 · 10-14-2008, 08:49 AM

Wurger · 10-14-2008, 02:58 PM

Cota1992 · 10-15-2008, 12:30 PM

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland . One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Miss Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'

'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff.'

The landlord nodded and said, 'Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

Thorlifter · 10-15-2008, 01:40 PM

Wayne Little · 10-15-2008, 04:58 PM

JugBR · 10-16-2008, 08:38 PM

YouTube - O dia em que o Brasil foi invadido

i think charles bronson will like that one, specially the final !

Wayne Little · 10-18-2008, 08:03 AM

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and says, "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow & I have no idea what to get for her. She already has everything she wants & she's not giving out any hints so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." Joe thought that was a great idea- a classic 'win-win' situation. The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did my suggestion go over?" "Yeah, a little too well" said Joe dejectedly. "What dya mean, didn't she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh she liked it alright! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour'!"

RabidAlien · 10-18-2008, 09:05 AM

Wurger · 10-19-2008, 04:17 PM

DerAdlerIstGelandet · 10-19-2008, 04:22 PM

I knew that one was coming!

B-17engineer · 10-19-2008, 07:01 PM

hahahahaha

RabidAlien · 10-20-2008, 07:34 AM

A young woman is visiting her parents. While helping her mother fix dinner, she opens the refrigerator. On the inside of the door, she sees a spicy picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman.

"What's this about, Mom?" she asks.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," the mother answers.

"Is it working?" her daughter asks.

"Yes and no," mom replies. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20."

today'sTHOT============================

Q: Why is one side of the V geese make always shorter than the other? A: There are fewer geese in it. Duh.

Lucky13 · 10-21-2008, 08:20 AM

From my Yorktown book....

Their names shall ride high on the waters
And echo with each rolling swell;
When flying the glory road homeward,
We'll dip once our wings in farewell.