Quokes/Jotes

cheddar cheese · 06-22-2005, 01:24 PM

I know, it sure fooled me!

plan_D · 06-22-2005, 02:06 PM

C is wrong, Hitler drank root beer occasionally, that's not beer in everything but name.

cheddar cheese · 06-22-2005, 02:13 PM

It does say occasionally, you know

plan_D · 06-22-2005, 02:22 PM

But he never drank beer at all. He was a tee-totaller, he didn't drink alcohol.

cheddar cheese · 06-22-2005, 03:22 PM

This is to be sung to the tune
"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."

"George's Song" (Author unknown)

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

__________________________________________________ ___________

Dear Sir

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 that I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to, because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no Help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express, which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

It also conflicts with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it could delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Any ideas?

evangilder · 07-20-2005, 10:46 AM

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman,

"Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why
kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

cheddar cheese · 07-20-2005, 10:50 AM

Ive heard a similar joke to that, but with Jews and a clown

That one is much better!

plan_D · 07-20-2005, 11:38 AM

Yes, it's basically the same but you go up to someone and say "I'm going to be another Hitler and kill all the Jews and a clown" and they say "Why a clown?" and you say; "See, no one cares about the Jews"

You could do it in many different versions.

the lancaster kicks ass · 07-20-2005, 03:27 PM

i like that one.........

Nonskimmer · 07-20-2005, 04:15 PM

Nice!

Maestro · 07-20-2005, 05:40 PM

Great !

Pisis · 07-21-2005, 07:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Medvedya

Beary good!

Do Czechs also use their dad's name as their middle one?

no, but sometimes it's popular to name the child after his father. So often there are "dynasties" where is the grandpa, dad and son called the same name. Then they usually have a 2nd title like oldest, older, younger, and youngest (equal to Sr. and Jr.). For example there's a very famous Czech actor family, the Hrušínský family. And ther are:

Rudolf Hrušínský Nejstarší (Oldest)
-II- Starší (Older)
-II- Mladší (Younger)
-II- Nejmladší (Youngest)

Pisis · 07-21-2005, 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maestro

Great !

I don't think that making jokes about killing all Jews after what happened in WWII is great. That's the greateast difference between the first one (Mulsims) and this one.

For the same reason, I think everyone who's making fun of starving people in Somalia is a cretin...

Same as calling someone nigga even yopu're white a snow...

Some things just aren't funny.

evangilder · 07-21-2005, 11:08 PM

I saw this on a license plate frame today:

Jesus saves,
Yzerman rebounds and scores!

plan_D · 07-22-2005, 04:01 AM

Oh but it is funny, Pisis. You need to lighten up because if we had to stop making jokes about things because it wasn't very nice then we'd be sat here making jokes about...well, we'd still be saying "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Would it be wrong to make a joke about Russians because over 23 million of them died in the war? No.

Would it be wrong to make a joke about Americans because hundreds of thousands of Americans died in the war? No.

Would it be wrong to make a joke about the British because over a million died in the war? No.

There's war jokes about every nation in the war and there's all sorts of jokes about every race, religion and gender on this planet. Ever heard the joke about paratroopers (English, Irish and Scottish) stuck in a tree and there's German guards below them, so they make animal noises? The first an owl and the German guard moves on, the second a crow and the guard moves on, the third a cow and get shot to pieces?

We shouldn't say that because paratroopers died. Do you think if I told a paratrooper that joke, he'd think it offensive, would he care? No, he'd probably laugh.

By trying to tell people what is and isn't funny is a load of bull. If someone laughed at that jew joke, it's funny. It might offend some Jews but correct me if I'm wrong but isn't evan a Jew, he didn't say a thing about it.

Muslims die almost everyday and, apparently, the Western world has caused 25,000 Muslim deaths in Iraq. Do you want to shut up with the Mulim jokes? No. Thought not. And do I blame you? No I don't because jokes are f*cking jokes and that's it.