Quokes/Jotes

plan_D · 07-30-2005, 12:09 PM

Of course it's lower than a parrot's IQ, at least a parrot can speak properly (as long as you teach it properly).

marconi · 07-30-2005, 01:01 PM

Quote:

The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself. (my favorite)

Made a mistake here.This is my favorite:
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.

Pisis · 07-30-2005, 01:56 PM

Prince joke:

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom far, far away. A born of a prince is awaited, and in the day of his born, three magic faireys are invited to his blessing. The first one blesses him with a great charme, the second one gives him a great power - when suddenly the door is open, the old evil fairey is there! she was not invited. She screams: "As a revenge, I make you being short of your dick! Muhahahaha" And she disappears in a cloud of a smoke. But the third fairey says "Don't worry, I bless you that when you will be 20 years old, your problem will be solved."
The prince grows, he is very handsome, has muscle body, but instead of his dick he has a pin. Yeah, an aluminium pin. When he celebrates his 20 birthday, he has also his wedding. He is a groom to a wonderful princess, with long blonde hair and big tits. When the go to the honey bed, he is being very nervous. "Don't be nervous, everything's gonna be allright, you'll see..." whispers the princess to prince's ear. She slowly and cutely catches his pin/dick, then slowly pulls it out... And you know what happened? Prince's arse fell off!

---

Blonde girl joke:

A blonde cutie stands in front of a shop showglass. There's a big sign on the door: No blondies allowed!
But she gives herself a courage, goes in and says: "I'd likhe too bay these telly, pleaze!" But the shop asisstant says: "Cannot you read, bitch? No blondies!" So she almost starts to cry and runs home.
Another day, she wears a fake black hair and enters the shop again. Says: "Hellooo, this nice tevee, please!" But the guy just rips her with his eyes, and says: "I told you yesterday, that no blondes are allowed to make shoppings here! This ain't a TV, this is a microwave oven!"

Pisis · 07-30-2005, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by plan_D

Of course it's lower than a parrot's IQ, at least a parrot can speak properly (as long as you teach it properly).

And now take in mind that these 100+ phat muther****ing evil red cretins (they were just dummy rednecks, mostly) were running the country. Look at these faces. Like robots...

... Marconi I'm glad about Jusčenko, I had a friend from UA who escaped because of Kučma... But Viki also cannot be white as a lilly (thas my personal opinion...). But still uncomparable, right?

cheddar cheese · 07-30-2005, 04:26 PM

Answering Machine Messages

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe
me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy
message, I'll call sooner!

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason
for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave
a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up
and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a
message; and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

marconi · 07-30-2005, 05:01 PM

Another joke with answering machine:write a standart massageon it then a sound that sounds like an ordinary beep and wind the tape for 5-15 seconds, so the calling person could start telling the message.Then answering machine shold say folloowing message: "Could you speak a little bit slower, I'm writing it down"

cheddar cheese · 07-30-2005, 05:20 PM

Good idea

Pisis · 07-31-2005, 12:58 PM

good! but everyone now here uses a cell phone...

so no AM needed...

cheddar cheese · 07-31-2005, 01:59 PM

Im gonna put that on my cell's AM

the lancaster kicks ass · 07-31-2005, 02:22 PM

and if you never actually get the message because of it??

cheddar cheese · 07-31-2005, 02:48 PM

No-one phones me so it will make **** of odds

the lancaster kicks ass · 07-31-2005, 02:56 PM

fair enough.............

Pisis · 07-31-2005, 06:12 PM

To be honest, I hate the Cell AM. It costs you cash credit and it's almost non-effective. If you want to leave a message or to chat with a girlfriend while she's away, the most used type of communication is SMS. Simply More Straight.

Pisis · 07-31-2005, 06:18 PM

Old man joke:

At the endstation, all passengers are out of the bus, only one old man is looking for something on the floor. The driver asks: "Sir, what are you looking for?" "For a small ball." "Okay then, I'll help you." And both are searching for the small ball all over the bus. After 15 minutes the old man stands up, starts to picking his nose and says to the driver: "Please, could you let me out. Don't worry, I'll make myself a new one."

---

An old man is sitting in a bus, over him is standing a young girl. "Grampa, I think a part of your penis is sticking out from your trousers." she says. "No, no," he replies, "it's all!"

---

Q: Do you know how to identificate a happy biker?
A: He has flies between his teeth.

marconi · 07-31-2005, 08:29 PM

I know it's not 31 July anymore, but still I congratulade you guys with the Day of Soviet Navy.