Quokes/Jotes

[Nonskimmer]

That's actually funny, in a stupid kind of way.

[cheddar cheese]

Yeah I know, is gone past the point of being so bad that its funny

There are a couple of others too, but I cant remember them. One of them involves cats...

[trackend]

Heres a few Quote,s all of which are genuine

exam answer:
To prevent contraception wear a condominium.

school room mistake:
The Puritains found an insane asylum in the wilds of America

From the Californian Dept of Transport school for offending drivers:
Question: what can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem
Answer: Carry Loaded weapons

science exam answer:
H2O is hot water CO2 is cold water

school room mistake:
Cuba is a town in Africa with very difficult access

school room mistake:1930's
Transparent means, if you cannot see anything it is not there.

Junior high error:
Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.

GCSE exam paper refering to blast furnaces:
The slag floats on the iron because they have different dentists

Walter Cronkite:
"Rolls Royce is recalling all its cars made after 1966 because of faulty nuts behind the steering wheels"


This last one is better if you remember the female announcer had a very upper class posh voice.
1960s BBC childrens radio music and movement programme for schools

"We are going to play a hiding and finding game children".
"Now are your balls high up or low down? Close your eyes for a minute and dance around,and look for them"
"Are they high up or low down"?
"If you have found your balls toss them over your shoulder and play with them"

If you want some more guys let me know

[cheddar cheese]

On CBBC a few years back, I remember catching the end of Woody Woodpecker. The presenter then held up some drawings, and said:

"Dont forget to send in your Woody's..."

[cheddar cheese]

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. Q:"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

[the lancaster kicks ass]

[Nonskimmer]

Nice!

[Medvedya]

But the classic one is when Madame Craddock was making Doughnuts on her cookery show and Johnny Craddock said at the end;

"Well, thanks for tuning in to tonights show, and I hope all your doughnuts turn out looking like Fanny's."

[cheddar cheese]

Ive seen a poster similar to that too, saying something like "Our doughnuts are moist and sticky, just like Fanny's!"

[Medvedya]

Okay explanation time I think....

http://www.televisionheaven.co.uk/fanny.htm

[Maestro]

Something weird (but TRUE) that I read on several notices (I had to translate some of them)... The parts in Italical are my personnal advices.

On a chainsaw, we can read :
Do NOT try to stop the chain with yours hands
Ahhh... Like if I didn't had anything better to do with my hands...

On a pack of peanuts, we can read :
Instructions : Open the package and eat the peanuts
Are you serious ? I thought I had to chop it with the chainsaw...

On the same pack of peanut, we can read :
WARNING : May contain or have been in contact with peanuts
Holy sh*t ! I thought it was synthetic peanuts !

[cheddar cheese]

Haha

[Nonskimmer]

Originally Posted by Maestro

On the same pack of peanut, we can read :
WARNING : May contain or have been in contact with peanuts
Holy sh*t ! I thought it was synthetic peanuts !

I've actually seen that somewhere! I had to call my wife over to look at it, just to make sure I was reading it correctly!

[Medvedya]

Try this - warning on a Superman costume;

"The wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

[cheddar cheese]

The manufacturers sure do put ridiculous stuff on their products sometimes

On the new Dodge Viper, one of the warning stickers says something along the lines of: "Placing children in the front seats is unsafe. The safest place for children to be is in the back seats."........But there are no back seats!