Quokes/Jotes...Continued!

the lancaster kicks ass · 11-19-2005, 05:53 AM

nice china one

Gnomey · 11-19-2005, 05:56 AM

Good ones guys

Pisis · 11-21-2005, 02:11 PM

Subject: Communications between airline pilots & control towers

Here are some conversations that airline passengers
normally will never hear.

The following are accounts of actual exchanges
between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

__________________________________________________ __

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock,
6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can
we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329
heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,
ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

-------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard
right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway
101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," explained the flight attendant.
"It took us a while to find a new pilot."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in
Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the
tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back
past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on
the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make
it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go
by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for
another one."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one's my favourite.... [Laugh]

The controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know
one's gate parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed
to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it
was dark, -- and I didn't land."

------------------------------------------
This on is a little too close to the bone but it's still funny.... [Wink Big Grin]

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew
of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the
hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew,
she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've
screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions
in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally,
the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind. Tension in
every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed
his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Gnomey · 11-21-2005, 05:10 PM

Good ones Pisis

mosquitoman · 11-21-2005, 06:49 PM

Just go onto www.getamused.com there's hundreds

evangilder · 11-23-2005, 08:42 AM

This may have been posted before, but I still love this one:

Subject: THE U S NAVY'S RETIREMENT PLAN?

The US Navy found that they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two parts of his body. The officer got to choose what those two
points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out
with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief Warrant Officer who, when asked where
he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing
the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back.

My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief Warrant calmly replied . . "Vietnam."