Quokes/Jotes...Continued!

[the lancaster kicks ass]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

[the lancaster kicks ass]

A pilot died at the controls of his aircraft and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." He looked at the newly arrived pilot and said, "I'll be right back, don't go away," and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, the pilot peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while the pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while several crew chiefs diligently put the final touches on a perfectly maintained aircraft and other crew chiefs help him out of the ops truck and carry his helmet bag. The crew chiefs even brought him coffee and saluted sharply as they presented the forms for his approval.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay," said the devil, "which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered the pilot.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3, that's Crew Chief Hell."

[the lancaster kicks ass]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA JERRY
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

GEORGE W.BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

[Nonskimmer]

[Gnomey]

Good ones Lanc.

[Pisis]

sure great man!!! LOL the bible one's best! LOLOL

[marconi]

Little boy comes to his father and asks:
-Daddy, do people really become stupid because of internet?
-lol.

[Pisis]

hehe

[marconi]

Two guys are walking at the street and see some guys are robbing the store:
-let's go there and stop them.
-Nah, there's two o them and we're all alone.

[marconi]

I didn't understand about Mouse Heads.Can someone explain it?

[Nonskimmer]

Beats me. It probably should say Moose Heads. I've never heard "Mouse Heads" before.
If it was intended as Mouse Heads, it ain't funny.

[the lancaster kicks ass]

maybe that's trying to show americans as stupid because they mispell moose as mouse?

[the lancaster kicks ass]

hehe..........

[Gnomey]

[marconi]

Photoshop ?