Quokes/Jotes...Continued!

[cheddar cheese]

Originally Posted by Pisis

yea, it's whole built on two words "f*cking" and "bastard"

The over swearing is necessary for it to be funny...

[elmilitaro]

I hope nobody gets offended with these.




There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."








A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."





When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."






WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.





Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."



So?

[the lancaster kicks ass]

i like them all

[Gnomey]

[cheddar cheese]

Yeah great

[v2]

Message
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair.
Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "So I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

[Henk]

Nice jokes, I can not tell the jokes I have it is racial, but if you want me to I will do so.

Your choice.

Henk

[elmilitaro]

Go ahead.

[elmilitaro]

I got some more jokes. I hope I don't offend anybody.




3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."







An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"








Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"







Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."







So

[cheddar cheese]

I like the Italian one

[v2]

http://www.break.com/index/lawnfly.html

[Pisis]

Two men are flying a plane. One is a Jewish American and one is Chinese.
They don't know each other very well so they are quiet for most of the time.
Suddenly the Jew says to the Chinese: "I don't like Chinese"
"Why?"
"Because you bombed Pearl Harbour."
"But that wasn't us, that was Japanese!"
"Hmmm... Chinese, Japanese, Korean.... I don¨t care, it's all the same."
The Chinese is pissed a bit...
More time of quiet flows when suddenly the Chinese breaks it: "I don't like Jews!"
"Why that?" replies the pilot.
"Because you sank Titanic"
"Are you kidding? That wasn't Jews, it was an iceberg!!!"
"But who cares... Iceberg, Rotenberg, Greenberg - it's all the same!"

[MichaelHenley]

Brilliant!

[Gnomey]

[v2]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
agree with her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked,
Bring beer....