Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!

[twoeagles]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man Of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sinful dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?


The wife replied, "The fu**ing funeral director would be my first guess."

[Joe2]

Why did Hitler kill himslef?


He saw his gas bill!!!

[Ajax]

Why did Hitler kill himself?


He realised his big mistake; trusting the Italians.

[Matt308]

> I thought you would enjoy this one.
If Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!
>
> A man asks: "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
>
> The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
>
> The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
> something.
>
> If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
>
> Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
>
> Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
>
> Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?
>
> Would you?"
>
> The clerk says, "Well, no!"
>
> "If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
>
> "Well, I probably wouldn't!"
>
> With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did
> you
> ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
>
> The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

[DOUGRD]

Originally Posted by Matt308

Not being Italian, I had no idea and looked it up.

"Contrary to what some may think or have read, "Wop" isn't an acronym for "With Out Papers", but was derived from an Italian word "guappo", which means thug."

Is that true?

The one I read said it originally came from the Spanish "GUAPO" which meant "Pretty Boy". (I like that one better than the thug definition ) Supposedly way back when Spain brought in a lot of Italians to augment the workforce the Spanish men got ticked off because the Italians were picking up all the chics and the Spaniards referred to the Italians as Guapo's. (Now I'll let you in on a secret Matt308, I had to look it up on Google too)

[Matt308]

Hehehe. Sometimes its better to be a mutt like me.

[Joe2]

Prepre yourselves for the worst joke ever told:



why did the duck cross the road?


The chicken was on holiday!!!!!

[Matt308]

Yep. You were right.

[Joe2]

sorry

[k9kiwi]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this,when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[Gnomey]

[Joe2]

[Matt308]

I think this is has been posted before, but I have to live up to my moniker I 'spose.
__________________________________________

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough,
they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get
a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Arkansas) light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"

The Arkansa n said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Texas, Oklahoma,
Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, parts
of Indiana , Louisiana , Alabama and Iowa

[Joe2]

and don't forget no.10 dowding street in london!

[Hunter368]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and
> > said "I want to be a movie star.Tall, handsome and with
> experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
> > The agent asked, "What's your name?"
> > The guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."
> > The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
> > Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
> > "I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old,
> > I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not
ever."
>
> > The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years ... you
> > will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian!
I'm
> > telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be
able to
> represent you."
> > "Well, I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and
> > he left the agent's office.
>
> > FIVE YEARS LATER ...
>
>
> > The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the
> > envelope is a letter
>
> > and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. Who would
> > possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed ...
>
> > "Dear Sir,Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
> become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to
> change my name. Determined to make it with my
> > God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I
> > would never make it in Hollywood with a name like
> > Penis Van Lesbian.After I left your office,
> I thought about what you said. I decided you
> > were right. I had to change my name.
> > I had too much pride to return to youroffice, so
> I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
> > without changing my name, so the enclosed
> > check is a token of my appreciation.
> >
> > Thank you for your advice.
> > Sincerely,Dick Van Dyke