 | Quokes/Jotes... Continued! Chapter 3| OFF-Topic / Misc. Discuss Quokes/Jotes... Continued! Chapter 3 in the Current forums; Good one Udet...... |
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09-04-2007, 02:39 AM
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#136 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Bucharest
Posts: 803
Country:  |
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These airplanes we have today are no more than a perfection of a child's toy made of paper."Henri Coanda" | 
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09-04-2007, 07:18 PM
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#137 | | Junior Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 8
Country:  | the first bullet proof vest was made by a priest
__________________ Snakes? No they dont show up to good on infared... hoo yah  | |
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09-08-2007, 03:10 PM
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#138 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Cracow
Posts: 2,955
Country:  | Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"
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"A good fighter pilot, like a good boxer, should have a knockout punch..... You will find one attack you prefer to all others. Work on it till you can do it to perfection... then use it whenever possible." - Captain Reade Tilley, USAAF 7 Victories, WW-II - | 
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09-08-2007, 04:09 PM
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#139 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Bucharest
Posts: 803
Country: |
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These airplanes we have today are no more than a perfection of a child's toy made of paper."Henri Coanda" | |
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09-09-2007, 04:25 AM
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#140 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Queensland- Australia
Posts: 787
Country:  |  good one, my oath.....
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We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.
Winston Churchill...  | |
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09-09-2007, 02:03 PM
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#141 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Cracow
Posts: 2,955
Country: |
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"A good fighter pilot, like a good boxer, should have a knockout punch..... You will find one attack you prefer to all others. Work on it till you can do it to perfection... then use it whenever possible." - Captain Reade Tilley, USAAF 7 Victories, WW-II - | |
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09-13-2007, 03:39 PM
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#142 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Cracow
Posts: 2,955
Country: | Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they do with the money.
The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon got her hair done, new make up and bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she had spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man was impressed.
The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her....
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
__________________
"A good fighter pilot, like a good boxer, should have a knockout punch..... You will find one attack you prefer to all others. Work on it till you can do it to perfection... then use it whenever possible." - Captain Reade Tilley, USAAF 7 Victories, WW-II - | |
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09-13-2007, 08:17 PM
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#143 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: well, I'm from Texas..BUT i'm on my way to Mississippi :D
Posts: 724
Country: | OK..guys. I'll apoligize UPFRONT for this...
ok..SO, I enjoy puns. ESPECIALLY the ones that make you grab your head..and pray for death..usually for the person that shared it..
SO..if you have gotten this far, and CHOOSE to go on..PLEASE don't throw things.
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But WHY?" they asked,as
they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-
nuts boasting in an open foyer."
and if THAT wasn't enough..
- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain;they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
Yes, I promise..I am hurting TOO. BUT,I'd NEVER seen this one..AND I think developed a nervous twitch from reading it..its GOOD.
- These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so.
Thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
OK..I swear..only one more..enjoy!
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (wait for IT!)..... A
super, calloused, fragile, mystic, hexed-by halitosis.
*DUCKS*
__________________  "I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it." - Voltaire
A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.
- Albert Einstein Life is tough..its even harder when you're stupid. -John Wayne | |
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09-13-2007, 10:18 PM
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#144 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Alexandria, MN. USA
Posts: 795
Country: |
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09-14-2007, 06:16 AM
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#145 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: well, I'm from Texas..BUT i'm on my way to Mississippi :D
Posts: 724
Country: | OK...don't encourage me. After 13 years of bartending, I have heard TOO many jokes. I programmed myself to just listen for the punchlines. I have a few top 10 lists that are pretty good, though. I'll have to find those to share. 
__________________ "I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it." - Voltaire
A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.
- Albert Einstein Life is tough..its even harder when you're stupid. -John Wayne | |
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09-14-2007, 06:29 AM
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#146 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: well, I'm from Texas..BUT i'm on my way to Mississippi :D
Posts: 724
Country: | Top 12 signs that your Sci-Fi Blockbuster is going to bomb.
12. "Starring Rosie O'Donnell as Spider-Woman!"
11. Even the Sci-Fi Channel refuses to air it.
10. Isaac Asimov personally returns from the dead just to bitchslap the director.
9. Maybe the world was ready for a new Star Trek flick, but "Weekend at Scotty's" ain't it.
8. The title, "Shovel Over Your Cash, You Easily Manipulable Geekboy Fans," might be a little too on the nose.
7. When the aliens land their spaceship and extend the olive branch of peace, the people of Earth accept it and the credits roll.
6. Let's just say the green stuff coming out of your Vulcan's pants ain't blood.
5. Thirty minutes into the film, even the bootleggers have left.
4. Does *anyone* really want to look at a bare-chested 87-year-old Ricardo Montalban?
3. Fanboys are so picky about the whole "laws of physics" stuff.
2. The premiere is attended by Joel Hodgson and three robot puppets.
and the Number 1 Signs Your Sci-Fi Blockbuster Is Going to Bomb...
Your PR team is looking sharp in their new red Starfleet uniforms.
__________________ "I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it." - Voltaire
A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.
- Albert Einstein Life is tough..its even harder when you're stupid. -John Wayne | |
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09-14-2007, 06:32 AM
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#147 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: well, I'm from Texas..BUT i'm on my way to Mississippi :D
Posts: 724
Country: | AND THEN....
Top 16 rejected McDonald's slogans..
16 - Tastes Just Like Real Food!
15 - We Love to See You Waddle
14 - Screw Jenny Craig
13 - We Are Legally Obliged to Tell You That Grimace Is a Convicted Sex Offender
12 - America, Your Weight Is Over!
11 - Same Crap, Same Prices -- Just Keep Buyin' It, Tubby
10 - Two All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions, Britney's an Insatiable Screaming Nymphomaniac Who Barks Uncontrollably When She Gets It Doggy Style
9 - Open Wide, You Lemmings
8 - Wipe Your Chins, McLardbutt
7 - Go Ahead and Sue Us, Tubby -- Your Bad Eating Habits Put Seven of Ray Kroc's 19 Grandkids Through Law School at Harvard
6 - Spill a Coffee and WIN!
5 - Relax, PETA -- That Ain't Really Chicken
4 - Super-Sizing Americans Since 1954
3 - You Don't Want to Waste Away Like That Subway Guy, Do You?
2 - You Deserve a Wake Today
and the Number 1 Rejected McDonald's Slogan...
I'm Shovelin' It
__________________ "I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it." - Voltaire
A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.
- Albert Einstein Life is tough..its even harder when you're stupid. -John Wayne | |
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09-14-2007, 07:35 AM
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#148 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia
Posts: 4,096
Country: | I like limericks.....
There once was a lady named Lou
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew
"The Reverened is quicker
And slicker and thicker
And has two more inches than you" !
Charles
__________________  Democrats think the glass is half full... Republicans think the glass is their's !
Last edited by ccheese : 09-14-2007 at 07:58 AM.
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09-14-2007, 07:58 AM
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#149 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia
Posts: 4,096
Country: | Here's another...
A lively young damsel named Mingis
Inquired: "Do you know what this thing is?"
Her aunt, with a gasp,
Replied: "It's a wasp,
And you're holding the end where the sting is."
Charles
__________________ Democrats think the glass is half full... Republicans think the glass is their's ! | |
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09-14-2007, 08:02 AM
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#150 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia
Posts: 4,096
Country: | As I said, I like limericks...
There once was a lady named Clare
Who was making love on the stair
But the bannister broke
So he hastened his stroke
And they both went off in mid-air !
Charles
__________________ Democrats think the glass is half full... Republicans think the glass is their's ! | |
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