Quokes/Jotes... Continued! Chapter 3

Matt308 · 11-24-2007, 02:33 PM

Man can I relate...

Matt308 · 11-24-2007, 02:45 PM

Hillary's Limo Driver Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road oneevening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The drivertried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck andkilled. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to theowners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls tolobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with hisclothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensivewine inone hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smilinghappily,smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied,"thefarmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and theirbeautifultwin daughters made passionate love to me!" "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'mHillaryClinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happenedso fast I couldn't stop it. "

mkloby · 11-24-2007, 03:17 PM

Loved those videos - the hillary joke was cute.

Pisis · 11-27-2007, 05:41 AM

Two Jewish moms go to a Rabbinical court to judge their problem.
- "She's a thief! She lent my pot and didn't give it back to me yet"
- "She's a liar! First, I didn't lend any pot from her, second I already gave it back to her and third, it was useless because it had a hole!"

Njaco · 11-27-2007, 08:07 AM

Marriage (Part I)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

*********************************** ******

Marriage (Part II)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

Marriage (Part IV)

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade about his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him –

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, and he didn't see her.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Cota1992 · 11-28-2007, 11:43 AM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A half carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A small head of romaine lettuce,
A 2-pound can of coffee,
And a 1-pound package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Aggie08 · 11-28-2007, 03:23 PM

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Gag, cough

Njaco · 11-28-2007, 03:53 PM

quick, short, to the point!

Matt308 · 11-28-2007, 08:51 PM

I liked the drunk supermarket joke. That was funny. I have an uncle whose like that.

v2 · 12-02-2007, 02:07 PM

HOW TO PROPERLY PRONOUNCE "OKLAHOMA"

The proper way is...

"Okla... homa"

There is a pause between the 'a' and the 'h'.

There! You learned something today!

Njaco · 12-02-2007, 02:15 PM

Good enough to be in the Breaking News thread!

Matt308 · 12-02-2007, 05:34 PM

A U. S. M. C. sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, Bang! One less insurgent!

After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go."

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"

"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' .........I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"

Wurger · 12-04-2007, 04:25 PM

Pisis · 12-04-2007, 04:42 PM

A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest are travelling in a train coupé together.

After some time, the preist asks the rabbi:
"Sorry that I'm so curious but is it true that people of your faith mustn't eat pork?"
"Yes, father, that is true." replies the rabbi.
"And tell me - as a colleague - have you ever tasted it?"
"Uhmmm, well... Yes, once I tried a small piece of bacon."
"And did you like it?"
"Well, I have to admit that I did like the taste..."

Then some time flows and now the rabbi asks:
"I'm sorry father, but I'm just wondering... Is it true that you are prohibited to touch a woman?"
"Oh yes, that is true."
"And tell me - as a colleague - have you ever tried?"
"To be honest with you, no!"
"Hmmm, pity," says the rabbi, "it is way much better then the pork!"

k9kiwi · 12-04-2007, 05:22 PM

Santa was having a bad day.

All those letters to read, the Elves were on strike for more pay, Mrs Clause was in his face about using the sled today to do the shopping.

And to cap it all off the fairy walks in and asks where he wants her to put the Christmas Tree.