Quokes/Jotes... Continued! Chapter 3

[Wayne Little]

[Udet]

Some very good jokes here!!! I am not sure if this one has already been posted, but anyways, just in case it has not...


A very worried man made an appointmet with the doctor. The patient told the doctor what his concerns were:

(P): Doctor, i seem to have a problem...
(D): What is it?
(P): My penis Doctor...
(D): What about it?
(P): Hmmm...you ought to see this...
(D): Ok, let´s see what we can see...please drop your pants and lie on the bed..

The patient dropped his pants and was now lying on the examination bed.

(D): -Eyes wide open- An orange coloured penis???
(P): Yes doctor...please tell me what could this possibly be!!! Is this some lethal disease??? I do not want to die!!!!

The doctor grabbed a book from his massive shelf and commenced searching...

(D): Hmmm...let´s see...purple penis...red penis...green penis...fuchsia penis...yellow...What on earth, i see nothing for orange penis!! What is it that you did?
(P): I dunno doctor...i´ve been drinking way too much these past weeks, so i could not recall things very well...
(D): Make an effort, try to remember...who were you with these days?
(P): Ok...about last night, yes...i a put a porno movie on my DVD player, grabbed a Six-Pack of beer and a bag of Cheetos...cannot remember anything else.

[syscom3]

The CO's morning briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Wing in the U. S. Air Force was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Group and Squadron Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The Wing Exec. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The General's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Airman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young Airman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir, began the Airman, "If there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

[Wayne Little]

Good stuff Guys..

[wilbur1]

[Wurger]

[Udet]

A woman and her husband were in bed at night.

They were seeing an action movie; then an overtly sexual scene commenced.

The husband, without taking his eyes off the screen, put his hand on his wife´s thigh...then he moved his hand and touched her breasts...he then moved his hand down and touched her hips, then a bit further down grazing his fingers over her pubis...

bewildered, the woman grew excited and hot, it has been a good while since her boring husband attempted anything sexual...the man continued touching all over her body increasing her body temperature...suddenly he turned to her and yelled: "where is the goddamned remote control?????"

[Wayne Little]

Oh sh*t, I can just imagine that.. Good one Udet

[wilbur1]

Good one

[Wurger]

Holly crap.

[Konigstiger205]

Good one Udet

[Udet]

Wayne, Wilbur, Wurger, Konigstiger..i tip my hat to you, thank you.

Another one:

A man and woman -both in their late 20s; the woman a virgin- were planning to get married. But before doing that, she said to him there was something very important she had to confess: due to some rare disease her breasts had stopped growing, so she had the breasts of a 11 year old girl.

To this his response was: "My love...do you think i care about such meaningless thing. The love i feel for you is so strong...all i care about is the endless spiritual bond i have with you..."

But now that they were into the confessing thing, he too had something to confess to her; "What is it my love", she said.

The man responded: "My penis is the size of a newborn...like..a baby. I hope this doesn´t trouble you...".

She said, with a warm tender smile on her face: "Ohhh my love!! Do you think i care about such meaningless thing??? We have this universal boundless love here and that is all i care about".

So, the guys got married, and went upon their honeymoon. The very first night, right after entering their hotel room, a heated physical engagement commenced: kissing, touching, squeezing, biting, swallowing, moaning, tongues out like snakes, clothes ripped off, buttons flying all over the place...then the man took his trousers off...the woman saw it...and with her eyes wide open howled in terror and yelled: "You lied to me!!! You told me your penis was the size of a newborn´s!!!" and fled the room at high speed.

And the man yelled: "My love???!!!! I had told you this!!! My penis is the size of a newborn: "it weights 8 pounds and its 20 inches long!!!".

[Wurger]

I know the joke but here in Poland it is about a man who is visiting a doc.But it is very funny.It is one of my favourite ones.

[Negative Creep]

[Udet]

Wurger, another one:

At Sheremetyevo, during the Cold War, a British spy was being tailed by the KGB and was trying to avoid capture.

Suddenly he came along a nun and asked her to let him hide inside her habit, which she agreed.

Then a squad of KGB agents came along and asked the nun if she had seen a man -the British spy- describing the physical appearance of the individual they were after. She of course replied "Nyet".

When the KGB squad left the area, the British spy re-emerged from his hideout.

He said: "thanks...by the way...did you know you have very sexy legs?"

Nun: "No, i did not Son."

British Spy: "Did you feel when i kissed your lower legs?"

N: "Yes, Son."

BS:"And did you feel when i kissed your knees?"

N: "Yes, Son."

BS: "Did you feel when i kissed your thighs?".

N: "Yes, Son."

BS: "What would have happened if i had continued kissing upwards?"

N: "You would have kissed my balls...i am a Spy myself you know?".