Quokes/Jotes... Continued! Chapter 3

[Wayne Little]

Originally Posted by Matt308

didn't see that one coming.

Me too but great just the same.....I wonder if there is any truth in it....????

Gee..bad luck about the cat...

[Negative Creep]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old CPO insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.


"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"


"The Falklands." The old Chief calmly replied

[Wurger]

[Aussie1001]

[ccheese]

> There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
> Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
>
> The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>
> The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
>
> The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
>
> The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
>
> The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Charles

[ccheese]

> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
>
> Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for your dog."
>
> Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
>
> Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Charles

[ccheese]

> An elderly man walks into a confessional.
> The following conversation ensues:
>
> Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
> girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
>
> Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
>
> Man: "What sins?"
>
> Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
>
> Man: "I'm Jewish."
>
> Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
>
> Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."

Charles

[ccheese]

That should hold you guys for awhile.. Hope no one is offended...

Charles

[Wurger]

Charles these jokes are funny.I like them.

[k9kiwi]

Black humour from the Fire side.

Person fell asleep on road and acts as speed bump for 4x4 (not a good idea by the way).

We are doing road control, I had been up closer to the victim and had now moved back.

One of the guys said "Did you recognise him?"

My reply. "yeah, someones flat mate."

[Njaco]

Family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a picture of his mum and dad in all their gear so he got the underwater camera ready to go.. When it came to taking the picture the dad realized that the son looked like he was panicking as he took it and gave the 'OK' hand sign to see if he was alright.

The son took the picture and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK. When they got back to the surface, the son was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely panicking. When the parents asked why he said 'there was a shark behind you..' The dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true but they wouldn't believe him.So as soon as they got back to the hotel they loaded the picture onto the laptop and this is what they saw.

.


.


.


.


.

[v2]

An 85 year old englishman is travelling to France for a holiday. He arrives at Charles de Gaulle airport and eventually reaches passport control.
"Passport please" says the immigration official.
The old guy starts rumaging around his bag, "hang on a sec, it's here somwhere..."
"Have you visited France before?" asks the official.
"Yes" replies the old guy, "Many years ago"
"Well sir, you should know to have your passport ready when you reach passport control."
The old guy looks a little pissed off; "Last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport."
The immigration official is becoming increasingly impatient with the pensioner, "What do you mean, every Englishman who enters France MUST show his passport."
The old guy gives a really dirty look and replies "Last time I was here was June 6th 1944, on Juno beach and I couldn't find a ****ing Frenchman to show my passport to!"

[Njaco]

[Wayne Little]

Excellent Guys!

[k9kiwi]

So there was the news headline in the paper...

50,000 women battered a year

And I thought to myself "Hang on,






































I am still eating mine plain."