Quokes/Jotes... Continued! Chapter 3

[Wayne Little]

..

A woman accompanied her Husband to the doctor's. After a check-up on the Husband the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your Husband is suffereing from severe long-term stress and it's affecting his health. If you don't do the following four things your Husband is going to die"
The wife was horrified. "I'll do anyhing" she replied.
The Doctor said " First, each morning fix him a big breakfast and send him off to work happy. Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritcious meal and give him a whole lot of kisses before he goes back to work. Third, after dinner, give him a massage and make sure you don't nag him about anything.
Fourth, and most important for relieving stress, have sex with him every day in what ever position he fancies."
On the way home, the husband asks his wife: "What did the Doctor say?"
The wife replied..."Your going to Die!"

[Vassili Zaitzev]

lol

[wilbur1]

lol

[k9kiwi]

An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have sh*t in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

[Matt308]

What do you call a one legged Asian woman?

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Irene

[Hey no throwing fruit]

[Njaco]

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embed ded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wonder ing if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Wayne Little]

Good stuff Guys...

[v2]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher ex-plained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong.'

[wilbur1]

Thats funny !

[Wayne Little]

Good one V2..

[Wayne Little]

A Catholic story...

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then he leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards
instead of your collar.'

[wilbur1]

LMAO

[Matt308]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph , for the FIFTH f*ckin' time, CHICKEN!"

[Cota1992]

Zebra

[Matt308]

Funny... but not sure I get it.