Quokes/Jotes... Continued! Chapter 3

[v2]

New Corvette

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road he accelerated to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.

The old gentleman paused, then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

[wilbur1]

Thats hillarious v2

[Wayne Little]

Thats excellent V2..

[Wurger]

Excellent V2.

Early in the morning a proffesional soldier is going out home to be at work.His wife who usually makes his breakfast and the second one is kissing him before he will leave. He looks at her and says:

Darling, clean our home up,wash my clothes,iron my shirts, cook a very good dinner,buy a newspaper and do shopping today.

The lady looks at him smiling and says "Tell me the magic word my dear".

The man is getting an attention position and says "Go"

[v2]

[RabidAlien]

A good old-fashioned fire-and-brimstone Southern Baptist tent revival was going on late one hot summer evening. The preacher was really into his sermon, whipping the congregation into a frenzy, when all of a sudden the pulpit explodes! Startled revival-goers stare as the smoke clears...revealing Satan, standing with arms crossed, laughing as a swarm of demons pours from the crater. Pandemonium ensues, naturally, as everyone scrambles for the nearest exit, window, airconditioning vent, or little silver hip-flask. Satan, of course, is loving it all, until he notices a little old man sitting about a half-dozen pews back, hands calmly folded over the top of his cane, seemingly oblivious to the mahem around him. This should be fun, Satan thinks, and stomps his fiery way down the aisle, scattering decons and demons alike in his path.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" he screams at the man.

"Yep," comes the response.

"AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO YOU?" Satan continues.

"Yep."

"AND DO YOU FEAR ME NOW?"

"Nope."

This completely throws Satan for a loop. Nearby demons cease their torments, torn between wanting to hear the reply, and fearful of the wrath it most certainly will cause. "Why not?" Satan asks, perplexed.

"Been married to yer sister for 45 years now."

[Matt308]

.

[Wurger]

Matt, what an expression.

[hurricanemk2]

Priceless .

[hurricanemk2]

A teacher walks in to her classroom of 6 year olds after the summer break .

" Good morning children . Today we will tell the class what we did on our holidays . "

Little Sarah puts her hand up and says :
" Well miss we went to see my Nana . "

Teacher says :
" No Sarah you went to see your Grandmother . You're 6 now so please used adult words ."

So Sarah says :
" Sorry miss . We went to see my Grandmother . "

Little Billy puts shis hand up and says :
" Well Miss , I went on a Choo Choo to the mountains . "

Teacher again says :
" Please use adult words Billy , you went on a train . "

Billy says :
" Sorry Miss , I went on a train to the mountains . "

Tom sitting at the back of the classroom put his hand up and said :
" Well Miss , my Dad bought a new vroom vroom for my Mum . "

Again teacher says :
" Class we must use adult words we're babies any more . He bought a car for your Mum . "

Tom says :
" Yes Miss , Dad bought Mum a new car . "

So it goes on till the whole class has told what they did during the holiday apart from Chloe .

Chloe says :
" My Mum got me a new book Miss . "

Teacher asks :
" That's nice , what was the book ? "

Chloe thimks for a second and says :
" Winnie the **** , By A.A. Milne ! "

[Wurger]

[Wayne Little]

I'm with you Wurger...

[hurricanemk2]

Two nuns are out taking a drive through the sweet Welsh conutryside .

As they pull up to a junction there is a big red flash and a cloud of red smoke . The driver slams on the brakes and screeches to a stop .

As the smoke clears the nuns are horrified to see Satan sat on the bonnet of the car .

The first nun screams :
" Sister sister ! , thats Satan what shall we do ? !! "

The second nun says calmly :
" Oh Sister Agnes , just wind down your window and show him your cross . "

With that the first nun winds down her window and shouts :
" Oy Satan , F*ck off !!!! "

[hurricanemk2]

Mean while back at the convent .

Mother superior calls 4 nuns into her office .

Mother superior says to the 1st nun :
" Sister Agnes it's reach my attention that you saw the vicars penis . "

Sister Agnes says :
" Yes mother superior . "

Mother Superior says :
" Right , you'll go to the font and wash your eyes in holy water . "

Then to the 2nd nun :
" Sister Angela , it's reached my attention that you touched the vicars penis ."

Sister Angela says :
" Yes mother superior . "

Mother superior says :
" Right , you'll go to the font and wash your hands in holy water . "

With that the other 2 nuns start fighting to get to the font . Kicking , biting , punching and hair pulling .

Mother Superior shouts :
" Sisters , sisters ! What is the meaning of this behaviour !! "

And the 3rd nun says :
"Listen here , if you think I'm going to gargle after shes washed her ar*e !! "

[Wurger]