 | Quokes/Jotes... Continued! Chapter 3| OFF-Topic / Misc. Discuss Quokes/Jotes... Continued! Chapter 3 in the Current forums; Nj those last two are priceless!!... |
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08-17-2007, 11:39 PM
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#106 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Alexandria, MN. USA
Posts: 795
Country:  | Nj those last two are priceless!!
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08-17-2007, 11:55 PM
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#107 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Alexandria, MN. USA
Posts: 795
Country: | A man and a woman, both middle aged, get married. It's the first time for both. On the first night of their honeymoon the husband goes into the bedroom, rips off his clothes, jumps into bed and says"Baby let's F--k!" Upon hearing this the wife replies "If you want to have sex that's fine but no dirty talk. How about we use a signal that just we will understand like you would like to use my washing machine?" The husband says "OK Baby can I use your washing machine tonight?" To which his bride replies "Not tonight dear it's low on suds" The man rolls over and goes to sleep. The next night he jumps into bed and asks if he can use his wife's washing machine. She says "I'm sorry but it's in a rinse." The man rolls over and goes to sleep. The next night the husband climbs into bed, rolls over and starts to go to sleep. His wife taps him on the shoulder and asks "Don't you want to use my washing machine tonight?" To which the husband replies "Naw, it was a small load so I did it by hand."
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08-19-2007, 06:30 AM
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#108 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Great Southern Land
Posts: 420
Country:  |  I reckon he'll be doing it by hand for quite some time after that little comment
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"Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you are scared." - Eddie Rickenbacker | |
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08-21-2007, 02:40 PM
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#109 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Cracow
Posts: 2,962
Country:  | A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Rep; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband #2 was in Tech Support; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but said he'd look in to it and get back with me.
"Husband #3 was from Field Services. He said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband #5 was an Engineer. He understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state of the art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in Marketing. Although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband #8 was a Gynecologist and all he did was look at it.
"Husband #9 was a Psychiatrist, all he did was talk about it.
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collecter; all he ever did was.....GOD I miss him!
"But now I've married you and I'm so excited!"
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?"
"Because you are with the GOVERNMENT!!!!....This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
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"A good fighter pilot, like a good boxer, should have a knockout punch..... You will find one attack you prefer to all others. Work on it till you can do it to perfection... then use it whenever possible." - Captain Reade Tilley, USAAF 7 Victories, WW-II - | |
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08-21-2007, 05:36 PM
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#110 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Queensland- Australia
Posts: 787
Country: | Ohh thats nasty man....But good
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We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.
Winston Churchill...  | |
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08-23-2007, 08:50 AM
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#111 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Poland
Posts: 5,331
Country: |
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08-23-2007, 09:13 AM
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#112 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Bucharest
Posts: 804
Country:  |
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These airplanes we have today are no more than a perfection of a child's toy made of paper."Henri Coanda" | |
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08-23-2007, 10:55 AM
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#113 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Cracow
Posts: 2,962
Country: | The Geography of a Woman
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Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
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Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
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"A good fighter pilot, like a good boxer, should have a knockout punch..... You will find one attack you prefer to all others. Work on it till you can do it to perfection... then use it whenever possible." - Captain Reade Tilley, USAAF 7 Victories, WW-II - | |
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08-23-2007, 11:55 AM
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#114 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Bucharest
Posts: 804
Country: | So true....
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These airplanes we have today are no more than a perfection of a child's toy made of paper."Henri Coanda" | |
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08-24-2007, 11:17 AM
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#115 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Poland
Posts: 5,331
Country: |
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08-24-2007, 02:58 PM
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#116 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Cracow
Posts: 2,962
Country: | An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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"A good fighter pilot, like a good boxer, should have a knockout punch..... You will find one attack you prefer to all others. Work on it till you can do it to perfection... then use it whenever possible." - Captain Reade Tilley, USAAF 7 Victories, WW-II - | |
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08-24-2007, 04:11 PM
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#117 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: South Jersey, United States
Posts: 5,441
Country: | A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes 100 percent ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., you can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 a.m."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 a.m.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for that ."
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"If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it's English, thank a soldier!" | |
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08-24-2007, 04:24 PM
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#118 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Jersey Shore
Posts: 1,673
Country: |
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, "This taste funny to you?"
Yea...I know. 
__________________  “Let's get Enterprise and Hornet turned into the wind." | |
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08-24-2007, 04:52 PM
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#119 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: George - South Africa
Posts: 2,371
Country:  | Quote:
Originally Posted by Njaco  A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes 100 percent ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., you can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 a.m."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 a.m.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for that ." |
Sounds like the people here in Africa.
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The ultimate revolution in aircraft designs during WW2 | |
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08-24-2007, 08:17 PM
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#120 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: South Jersey, United States
Posts: 5,441
Country: | Another quick one...
GOD IS GOOD.
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
Tough, that one was so bad I had to laugh.
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"If you can read this, thank a teacher. If it's English, thank a soldier!" | |
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