Quokes/Jokes... Continued! Chapter 3

[Wayne Little]

[RabidAlien]

President Bill Clinton was sitting in the stands on opening day of the baseball season, waiting for the first game to start. His social advisor leaned over and whispered in his ear. Bill's eyes went a little blank, then he nodded, reached over, and shoved Hillary over the railing onto the field! Secret Service agents hurried (slowly) down to help her back up, as the advisor whispered in his ear again. No sooner had Hillary gotten back into the Presidential box, when Bill stood up, picked her up, and tossed her over again! By this time, he's got the attention of the entire crowd, and the advisor is a dangerous shade of red. The advisor whispers (loudly) in his ear again, as everyone strains to hear what he's saying over the open mic. As the Secret Service carries Hillary back into the box, Bill grabs her from them, and tosses her as hard as he can back over the railing. The advisor, having had enough, stands up, grabs Bill by the shoulders, and, shaking him, screams "You idiot, I said 'throw out the first PITCH!!!!"

[JugBR]

ford mccain

[v2]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale', he said.

[Cota1992]

Cows, Cows, Cows...

The only cow in a small eastern Ohio town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Pennsylvania for $200. They brought the cow from Pennsylvania and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.


They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.


They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.
"

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Pennsylvania?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Pennsylvania?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Pennsylvania.
"

[RabidAlien]

More cows...


A dairy farmer, after looking over his books, decided it was time to expand his herd, but the only bull he owned was old and many years past his stud-service. So, searching the Internet, he found a bull breeder in another state that advertised "the best bulls ever", and had many pages of glowing customer feedback to back him up. So, the farmer called the breeder, purchased the bull, and arranged to have him shipped to his farm.

The bull arrived and was immediately put into the same pasture as all of the cows. Yet nothing happened! The farmer, angered at the response from the bull, called the breeder.

"Give the poor bull a week. He's probably still suffering from jet-lag. If that doesn't help, let me know, and I'll express-ship some stuff you can give the feller. My pappy swore by it, and it hasn't let me down yet."

The farmer agreed, waited a week, and sure enough, no action from the bull. So he called the breeder back, who shipped him the promised bottle of medicine.

Several months later, after helping deliver the 73rd calf, the local vet asked about the new bull.

"Oh, he's doin fine!", the farmer exclaimed. "I was kinda worried at first, almost thought he was gay, but that breeder mailed me some stuff that fixed him right up! Put a teaspoon of that stuff in his food, and next thing I know he'd done made two rounds around the whole herd...before lunch!"

"Really?!?" the vet exclaimed. "What was it? I can recommend that for some of my other patients!"

"Well, I really dunno what it was, bein all scientifically named and all.....but it tasted like strawberries."

[Wayne Little]

[Thorlifter]

[Airframes]

There's an old bull with his son, standing at the top of the meadow, looking down on a herd of cows. The son-bull turns to his dad and says "Cor! Look at all those cows. Let's run down and take a couple!"
The old bull, a wise old thing getting on in years, turns to his son and replies "No lad, let's walk down and have them all!"

[RabidAlien]

[evangilder]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

"The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[v2]

[Airframes]

Think I've just wet myself!
So, there's three vampire bats, sitting on a tree one morning. One bat has blood all around its mouth, one has blood all over its face, and the third bat is totally covered in blood.
Two of the bats turn to the first bat and ask "What did you get up to last night?"
The bat replies, knowing that his species are poor sighted "See that field over there to the left, just past that wall?"
The bats strain to see in the early morning light, then eventually reply;
"Yeah, just about know where you mean."
"Well," says bat one, " I flew over there, and found a flock of sheep. Got the biggest one I could find, and drank all its blood."
"Nice one!" bat two remarks.
"How about you?" asks bat one, looking at all the blood around his friends face.
"Ah! Well," came the reply, "just to the right there, about half a mile past that wood, there's a huge meadow. See it?"
The other two bats strain to see, then nod in reply.
"Well, I flew over there", continues the bloody-faced bat, "and found a herd of cows. Got the biggest one, and drank all its blood."
Bat one is impressed, then turns to the third bat, amazed that he is covered in so much blood.
"What the hell did YOU do last night?" He asks of the third bat.
"Can you see that church steeple, just past those trees in the centre there, about a mile away?"
The other two bats, having really strained to see the point indicated, eventually reply in unison.
"Ah, yes, can just about see it."
Final bat replies, "Well I f*****g didn't!"

[RabidAlien]

*****ROTFLMBO!!!***** Good one, Airframes!




Next:

WHAT IS A CAT?
(According to a man)

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They are totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They are moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny women in fur coats.

WHAT IS A DOG?
(According to a woman)

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do ing things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

CONCLUSION: They are little men in fur coats

[Airframes]

I like it!