Some Aviation Humor. - Aircraft of World War II

syscom3 · 05-29-2007, 01:04 AM

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replac ement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in a latitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF *always* inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraf t warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

*And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

k9kiwi · 05-29-2007, 01:12 AM

Syscom

Can you wander over to Motor Transport and get us a new Falopian Tube for the 4x4, this one is flat.

syscom3 · 05-29-2007, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by k9kiwi

Syscom

Can you wander over to Motor Transport and get us a new Falopian Tube for the 4x4, this one is flat.

Do you want me to also pick up a hundred gallons of prop wash and 50 feet of flight line?

DerAdlerIstGelandet · 05-29-2007, 10:16 AM

Dont laugh at that syscom.

The stuff we used to wash our helicopters in the Army was called AIRCRAFT WASH. Well anyhow I used to pick on the younger guys straight out of training and tell them to go over to the Maintenance Company and get me soem ROTOR WASH. In the army there is no aircraft soap called ROTOR WASH (just the rotor wash from the turning blades).

Well anyhow now we are in Iraq and have just landed at an Airforce Base in Iraq and I send this young private over to the Airforce pukes to get us some ROTOR WASH, while me and the rest of the crew sit in the aircraft drinking sodas and laughing.

Anyhow about 20 minutes later here he comes back with a Sealed Bucket. I take the bucket and on the label it reads USAF ROTOR WASH!

Needless to say we were all dumbfounded.

So dont laugh at it could come back to bit you in the ass.

comiso90 · 05-29-2007, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DerAdlerIstGelandet

Needless to say we were all dumbfounded.

I've found that most Army grunts are in a continual state of dumbfoundedness... They're usually sorry that they couldn’t pass the tests for the Airforce!

syscom3 · 05-29-2007, 10:49 AM

Deradler, I bet the USAF keeps buckets of that handy, with instructions to the logistics people to hand it out to Army personell who are sent over to get some. I bet the USAF guys were laughing even harder than you.

comiso90 · 05-29-2007, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by syscom3

Deradler, I bet the USAF keeps buckets of that handy, with instructions to the logistics people to hand it out to Army personell who are sent over to get some. I bet the USAF guys were laughing even harder than you.

DerAdlerIstGelandet · 05-29-2007, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by comiso90

I've found that most Army grunts are in a continual state of dumbfoundedness...

That does not offend me. I was not a grunt....

Grunts are infantry and yes they usually are!

Quote:

Originally Posted by comiso90

They're usually sorry that they couldn’t pass the tests for the Airforce!

Never had a desire to join the Airforce. If you want to be in a real helicopter air assault force you have to go Army! Army Helicopter Aviation rules the Helo world!

comiso90 · 05-29-2007, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DerAdlerIstGelandet

That does not offend me. I was not a grunt....

Grunts are infantry and yes they usually are!

Never had a desire to join the Airforce. If you want to be in a real helicopter air assault force you have to go Army! Army Helicopter Aviation rules the Helo world!

I have to say, you took the wind out of my sails... I was hoping to offend, albiet with the truth. I know plenty of Army (come to think of it they were infantry) express envy at Airforce:

1. Women
2. Food
3. Living conditions
4. Base MWR
5. Duty assignments
6. higher collective intellegence
7... and more............

I cannot disparage Army Helos.

Touché

DerAdlerIstGelandet · 05-29-2007, 12:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by comiso90

I have to say, you took the wind out of my sails... I was hoping to offend, albiet with the truth. I know plenty of Army (come to think of it they were infantry) express envy at Airforce:

1. Women
2. Food
3. Living conditions
4. Base MWR
5. Duty assignments
6. higher collective intellegence
7... and more............

I cannot disparage Army Helos.

Touché

In Army Aviation we had:

1. Women (lots of it, they cant stay away from the 3 foot zipper of the flight suit

)
2. Food (if it is not at the camp we are at at that time, we fly and get it

)
3. Living Conditions (there the USAF has us beat, we live like the rest of the Army)
4. Base MWR (not bad MWR for the Army as well, plus we get to fly the cheerleaders and stuff

)
5. Duty Assignments (I prefered the Army duty assignments more selection in my opinion: Hawaii, England, Germany, Italy, all the US States, Japan, Sanai, Australia...etc.)
6. Higher Collective Intelligence (USAF has most of the Army beat but in Aviation we have to pass the same exams and what not as the USAF

)

As for the Women part, here is me with a pretty good looking lady to show you:

05-29-2007, 01:04 AM	#1
syscom3 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Orange County, CA Posts: 10,809	Some Aviation Humor. Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replac ement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in a latitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraf t warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. *And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. __________________ "Pilot to copilot..... what are those mountain goats doing up here in the clouds?"

05-29-2007, 01:12 AM	#2
k9kiwi Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Kiwi Land Posts: 850	Syscom Can you wander over to Motor Transport and get us a new Falopian Tube for the 4x4, this one is flat. __________________ 4 out of 5 voices in my head say I am normal. Majority rules. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

05-29-2007, 10:16 AM	#4
DerAdlerIstGelandet Der Crewchief Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Ansbach, Germany Posts: 34,063	Dont laugh at that syscom. The stuff we used to wash our helicopters in the Army was called AIRCRAFT WASH. Well anyhow I used to pick on the younger guys straight out of training and tell them to go over to the Maintenance Company and get me soem ROTOR WASH. In the army there is no aircraft soap called ROTOR WASH (just the rotor wash from the turning blades). Well anyhow now we are in Iraq and have just landed at an Airforce Base in Iraq and I send this young private over to the Airforce pukes to get us some ROTOR WASH, while me and the rest of the crew sit in the aircraft drinking sodas and laughing. Anyhow about 20 minutes later here he comes back with a Sealed Bucket. I take the bucket and on the label it reads USAF ROTOR WASH! Needless to say we were all dumbfounded. So dont laugh at it could come back to bit you in the ass. __________________ fly boy:"isnt that the first jet bomber becasue i have flown one in a flight sim before and i know how it handles"

05-29-2007, 10:49 AM	#6
syscom3 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Orange County, CA Posts: 10,809	Deradler, I bet the USAF keeps buckets of that handy, with instructions to the logistics people to hand it out to Army personell who are sent over to get some. I bet the USAF guys were laughing even harder than you. __________________ "Pilot to copilot..... what are those mountain goats doing up here in the clouds?"

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