Staff officers say the strangest things..... (UNCLASSIFIED)

[Hunter368]

Part 1

This is the first in a series of collected comments, made by American staff officers since 9/11, overheard and herein assembled for your edification, amusement and horror.

The original author of this collection wishes to remain anonymous, and thus preserve his promotion prospects.

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM, European Command, which is in charge of American operations in Europe)

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, way too much...

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

"OSD (Office of the Secretary of Defense) will continue to drive this cart into the ground long after the wheels have been sold on E-bay." MAJ (JS) on the progress of FIF (Free Iraqi Forces)

"Please don't laugh. This is my job." Maj (EUCOM) from Protocol, explaining in great detail the approved procedures for dropping off VIPs

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ (EUCOM)

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them...and then exploit the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM, Central Command, which is in charge operations in Iraq and Afghanistan))

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot." LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"So, what do you wanna do?"...
"I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"...
"I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(S) (Undersecretary of Defense for Strategy) develops and implements their strategies

"Let's face it: Africa sucks..." DOS representative (Bureau of African Affairs) at a conference on Africa