Things that can piss you off

[Udet]

There´s this possibility that a similar thread was started a a while ago, but can not find it. Anyway, here it goes. Not that I had to endure any of the following horrifying situations, but i know they do happen.

(1) You want to watch that DVD you just bought, you prepare yourself a drink to sip from while watching, get your favorite blanket, you lie on your leather sofa, it´s so comfortable and cozy...then you discover the DVD and TV remote controls are on top of the TV set; you must stand and go get them putting an end to your utterly comfortable position on your sofa (that might not be regained).

(2) You are waiting for some very important call while at home; you wait for half and hour and the person simply does not call; then you feel some cramps in your belly: you have to take a dump. You sit on the toilet, you push...your bombs do not yet touch the toilet water and the phone commences ringing.

(3) For the first time you visit the home of the girl you are dating; you and the girl just came back from the movies...you had pop-corn, nachos and hot-dogs. You are sitting next to each other in the living room...then you feel cramps in your belly. (You are taking a dump!). But as she speaks to you, you are in full terror, you are listening what she says but you are not hearing...you realize that if you leave her house immediately and drive back to your place, you will not make...you´d be taking a dump with your underwear and pants on (inside your car)...so you ask her: "Can i use your bathroom? I just need to wash my hands as they have the smell of nachos. (LIAR). She says "But of course, down the hall, to the left". In ordinary circumstances, you´d stand and commence walking like a pinguin, as the cramps increase their tone and rythm...but you pretend, and walk normally.
Once you are inside, you commence following the emergency protocols:

Since you know taking a dump in that small bathroom means the noisy procedure might be noticed outside, you first open the sink´s faucets to diminish the sound of the oncoming thunder. Secondly, you sit on the toilet, but before releasing the torpedoes, you hold the flush handel...you flush the toilet perfectly synchronized with your first push to have the torpedoes immediately "abandoning" the toilet in order to diminish the stench. Well done. Time to wipe your ass: there is no tissue.

(4) You walk barefoot around your house, then you hit your small toe against a corner. (Then you hold your hurt small tow with both hands, jumping on one leg and cursing like hell -and you look like a jerk-).

(5) After having been to a very important meeting or presentation at work, when you return home you discover all the time you had your zipper down.

(6) You go to a restaurant, and you order your favorite dish; you are almost finished when you discover a hair -or two- on your plate.

(7) It´s been a while since you last wore your suit, say, three years. During such time you applied for membership in Mc Donald´s F.F.P. (frequent fatass program). Then there is this wedding party you are invited to. When the day comes, you get prepared: take a refreshing shower, get a shave, then you pull your suit out of your closet and you try it...you will not fit, but since it´s quite late you do not have time to rent a suit...so you use what you have. You go to the party looking -and feeling- like italian salami, or a fat version of Rudolf Nureyev.

8. This case is to some extent related to case (3) mentioned above.So let´s retake what was typed there:



Since you know taking a dump in that small bathroom means the noisy procedure might be noticed outside, you first open the sink´s faucets to diminish the sound of the oncoming thunder. Secondly, you sit on the toilet, but before releasing the torpedoes, you hold the flush handel...you flush the toilet perfectly synchronized with your first push to have the torpedoes immediately "abandoning" the toilet in order to diminish the stench. Well done. Time to wipe your ass. You wipe your ass several times using ultra-soft toilet tissue jumbo roll (ginger scented). You flush....and...(yes, utter terror), the bloody toilet gets clogged...you see the stuff rising its level inside the toilet, all the toilet tissue -no longer ginger scented-, as you open your eyes wide in terror...then your date and her mother hear a distressing yell coming from the bathroom..."HELP!!! HELP!!! NEED A SHOVEL IN HERE!!!".

More to come some other day guys. Share your own most hated moments!

[Wildcat]

Yup, experianced no's 1,2 and 4. Can't say no 3 has ever happened to me

[Nonskimmer]

Cordless phones are handy for solving (2). Never take a dump without one.

Good stuff.

[mkloby]

Cordless phones are handy for solving (2). Never take a dump without one.

Good stuff.

Now that is rock solid advice to pass to the children...

[DerAdlerIstGelandet]

Ive experienced a few of those.

[Matt308]

Hitting your hand with a hammer. Hurts and makes you feel like a numbnuts at the same time.

[pbfoot]

After hitting your hand with the hammer some bright fool always asks does it hurt

[Udet]

Nonskimmer: that is correct. However, since i am not a phone guy i do not have a cordless one, so the situation has happened to me quite a few times.

A brief note regarding situation number 8: the very first time i knew such an event could happen was when i was living in Mexico City. In a party, there was this guy who went through the situation and was telling everybody (only men hearing) the story; the kind of guy who has a talent at telling stories.

He said that when he saw the toilet getting clogged, and the whole stuff rising its level inside the toilet "i for one moment thought of grabbing it with my hands and eat it!!".

[plan_D]

A lot of your problems stem from taking a ****, Udet. Maybe you should just relax, taking a **** doesn't need to be difficult. And MOST lasses aren't bothered if you need a dump, as long as you don't make a scene. It's a bodily function for gods sake, you need to do it. The most annoying of all those is cracking your toe on something, although I'm not bothered about looking like a "jerk" - 'cos it hurts.

No offence intended, but you seem really self-conscious.

[the lancaster kicks ass]

going to get a CD from it's case, only to find having gone upstairs to get it, it's not in it's case and you spend the next 10 minutes looking for it!

[Erich]

try taking a doobie out off the side of the road ` no cover, while cycling a 100 miles with a host of beautiful cycle chics around you ............ ah the poison oak feels so good rubbing against ones behind

ya gotta go, ya gotta go ..........

rip it up !

[Udet]

Plan_D:

Pardon me? "A lot of my problems"?

You are welcome to your thoughts.

[Nonskimmer]

Farting in church. Not pleasant, but...what can ya do?

[Erich]

been there done that way too many times...........still do

blurp ! oh pardon me ma'mam

[Nonskimmer]

Blame the wife. Always great for marital relations.