One of the many weird things about Durban is the street signage. The old street names are still up, but crossed out with a thin red line, and the new street names are displayed separately. So you'll have Point Rd crossed out, for example, and the new name of Mahatma Gandhi Rd underneath.
Quite why we've decided to honour Gandhi by naming a notorious red light district after him is anyone's guess, just as it's anyone's guess why Durban authorities have implemented the name changes in such a half-arsed way.
If you're going to change them, change them, don't muck about, you incompetent idiots. It's probably this same kind of muddle-headedness that is now calling for the renaming of the Springboks, fifteen years too late.
I was all for doing away with the Springbok emblem in 1994, but at the time Nelson Mandela intervened (not with me personally, you know what I mean) and the Springbok was granted a reprieve.
Why change it now? There can be nothing more difficult than taking a racist emblem or word and, over time, investing it with a new meaning that is more palatable to the nation, but this is what rugby has (albeit half-heartedly in many cases) tried to do.
Obviously, rugby is still a sport where racism rears its ugly head, its ugly horned head in the case of Blue Bulls supporters. But if rugby and government authorities have allowed the likes of Bryan Habana and Breyton Paulse, to randomly name just two black players, to believe that they could achieve a post-apartheid rugby greatness as Springboks, how the hell can they now tell them that they were in fact shoring up a racist institution?
But the political muppets dancing around and haphazardly spraying piss all over each other to mark their lucrative territories are not bright. And when I say not bright, I of course mean unbelievably ****ing stupid.
Why now?
Please excuse the swearing. Recent e-mails from readers have termed me "the new David Bullard", and "as controversial as Gareth Cliff", so I'm trying to give you all an excuse for the next grim point on this dismal trajectory of insult, which is to be referred to as "the Julius Malema of columnists".
Why attack the Springbok emblem now? Well, there are very good political reasons, I'm sure, and for more on this I refer you to the more sober analysis that I'm sure you'll find on our gorgeous new Sport24.co.za site. (By the way, this is the first time our Sport24 team have ever been referred to as sober - a big day for the lads).
The real reason, though, is that we're apparently running out of names to be controversial about. Streets, towns - yawn. It's all been done before, by political muppets desperately trying to get some media time. No, you have to make a big play nowadays to get noticed, and this has been done by one Nokuzola Mndende.
Dr Mndende is an African liberation theologian. For those of you who don't know, a liberation theologian is a bit like a non-practicing virgin. Liberation theology is all about taking racist symbols and systems of thought - in this case, colonial Christianity and its trappings - and turning them into a religion of freedom. Which is a bit what people have been trying to do with the Springbok, funnily enough.
And here's Dr Mnende's play, according to the Star: she wants to change Nelson Mandela's racist name. Henceforth, he must only be known as Rholihlahla Mandela. Good grief. This woman is an Irk, I'm telling you. A total Irk.
What is an Irk, you ask? Surely you read the recent statement by Young Communist League spokesmuppet Castro Ngobese, about the new political party being formed by "Terror Lekota and his irks"?
Potential solution
Irks are, of course, a peculiarly South African offshoot of the more famous New Zealand Orcs, those guys who star in that Lord of the Rings movie. The differences are marginal - the NZ Orcs are shambling, grunting, power-hungry monsters, whose only loyalty is to evil. The SA Irks are almost identical, except they have no loyalty.
Young Castro also refers to Terror Lekota as an "apron of the naked emperor", which I assume means one of two things: either Jamie Oliver has a new series out, or Thabo Mbeki had to hand back all his suits after they kicked him out.
I could carry on with this riff, but back to the matter in hand - the Springbok emblem. I can already tell what a potential solution could be. (No, we're not going to be renamed the Irks, as much as we'd all enjoy that.) The name is officially going to be changed to the Proteas, but we'll keep the Springbok on the jersey as well, with a (metaphorical) thin red line crossing it out. Only a small band of political muppets in the Eastern Cape, and activists with real grievances, will call the rugby team the Proteas. (By the way, I'm belittling the opportunistic politicians, not the activists - for them, the Springbok is a racist emblem and a genuine insult to many people). The rest of South Africa will still refer to the Boks, in much the same way that sailors in Durban refer to "a Point Rd quickie", rather than "a Mohatma Gandhi blowjob".
Chris Roper's view on Durban might be slightly out of date. He would like to apologise to all 500 Durbanites with internet access. As usual, visit chrisroper.co.za if you wanna get personal.
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