Germans demand apology for allied bombing raids

[cheddar cheese]

Chlorine is weak....they should have used Fluorine

[Medvedya]

Maybe, just don't make an experiment with your idea - Darwin Awards approaching!

[cheddar cheese]

Thats a great concept...You read the one about the Texan guy who tried to extract to explosives from a grenade for fireworks...

...using a chainsaw?

[Medvedya]

As you do.


How long did it take to shovel all the bits of him into a black bin liner?

[cheddar cheese]

No idea, I think finding the bits would have been harder though

[Medvedya]

Scattered over a 100 metre radius in all directions I'm guessing?

[cheddar cheese]

Either that or the pieces were so small they dissolved into the air

[Medvedya]

Boy, that's dead. Folk don't come much deader than that.

[cheddar cheese]

[Medvedya]

Having said that, I know of a guy with access to an industrial centrifuge, who was thinking of putting a mouse in it, and ramping it up to 2 million R.P.M, which, he confidently predicted, would tear the creature apart down to its molecular atoms leaving some fur and a puddle of plasma.

[cheddar cheese]

[Medvedya]

He didn't do it.

A: It seemed a bit cruel in the cold light of day.
B: It would make a real mess, which he would then have to clean.

But, as a concept, quite interesting......

[cheddar cheese]

Indeed

Take a look at this story on the darwin awards website I just found:

Loving your shotgun

2004 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
As a devoted follower of the Darwin Awards and a biologist myself, I couldn't pass up an opportunity to share with everyone this little gem that demonstrates multiple levels of stupidity.
After drinking 15 pints of good British beer(which is quite a bit stronger than the watered-down brew familiar to us Americans), 28 year old David walker became mad at a friend at a local pub. (Error in judgement #1)

Not wanting to lose face, our young hero decided to stagger home to retrieve his illegal sawed-off shotgun and thus end the argument. (Error in judgement #2)

To compound his first two mistakes, he then proceeded to load his gun, disengage the safety and stuff the gun into his pants to carry it back to the pub. (Errors in judgement numbers 3, 4 and 5.)

His final and biggest error in judgment was in thinking that testicles are bulletproof, because somewhere along they way back to the pub, the shotgun discharged and did extensive damage to his reproductive organs.

What the pellets failed to remove, doctors completed in a surgery referred to as an orchiectomy, a term which sounds quite a bit more gentile than having your testicles blown off by a shotgun.

Man jailed after shooting his testicles Tue 13 July, 2004 19:28

LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer has been jailed for five years for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman says.

David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire when he went home to get his sawn-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers.

But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery.

Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield.

www.darwinawards.com

[Medvedya]

Oh - not nice. Stories like that....

Have you heard about the guy in Scotland who tried to wack off using a honeydew melon?

He decided, to give it that 'full real' sensation, to warm it up in the microwave first, before carving out a hole to fit the wee fella into.

Except he overlooked one thing. The melon cooked from the inside out, so the middle was roasting hot.

You could hear the scream as far away as Kirkwall it was said, and he had a humiliating, not to mention uncomfortable two week stay in hospital for 2nd degree burns.

[cheddar cheese]

Heres a better one:

The Post Office Raid (Not)

2004 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
This event was related to me by a friend who had been working for the Post Office (as was then) some years ago toward the end of the eighties. He related this as a debriefing session – a counsellor was interviewing three security guards who had been the victims of an attempted robbery, and this was their story.
It is important to note that security vans visiting post offices here in the UK do so primarily to drop off money, not (as is the case with many other stores and services) to collect it. Post Offices used to be the primary collecting point for pensioners to collect their state pensions and for those on welfare payments to collect their cash. As such, more money tends to flow out of them than flows in.

Said security guards were making their rounds in their armoured van fairly uneventfully, one in the back of the van and the other two making the deliveries at every stop. As they emerged from their last call of the day – a small, local post office in a village high street next to a bakery – three men in balaclavas armed with sawn-off shotguns leapt out of a nearby alleyway. Clearly, these guys had done their homework plotting the course of the van and ambushing it on its last port of call.

“Hand over the money!” they demanded, so with a shrug the two security guards handed over the cash bags they were carrying. Did I say these guys had done their homework? Clearly not, as having made their last delivery the bags were in fact empty. Our three desperados were not fooled for long, and realising that the cash bags were empty they made another demand:

“Hand over the cash boxes!”

Now, these cash boxes are designed with robbery in mind, and when relinquished by their owners their defences were triggered – one let off a cloud of orange dye, the other shot steel rods out of its corners to prevent it being secreted anywhere easily – so surprising the would-be armed raider that he dropped it, seriously lacerating his leg.

At this point, two elderly ladies (presumably shopping having just collected their pensions from the post office) emerged from the bakery and showing the defiant spirit that kept the Nazis from our hallowed shores many years ago, began to pelt the shotgun-armed raiders with their weapon of choice and convenience: bread rolls.

Now, while shooting someone (and being shot at) in a desperate gun-battle may add to a criminal’s street-cred, and while carrying through threat of armed force on a victim is par for the course, even our crooked trio, steeped as they were in the depths of underworld culture, found themselves unwilling to blow away two old-age pensioners just for throwing bread at them, and instead decided to seek their ill-gotten gains in the safety of the armoured van. They climbed into the cab and slammed the door shut, satisfied that they had now found the way to their prize.

Wrongly, as it turns out, for even if there had been any cash remaining in the post office van (there wasn’t), it was in the back, and they were in the front, and in the interests of security there was no way betwixt the two inside the van. Reaching this conclusion, our ruthless three sought to exit the van – only to find that, due to foresighted security measures, the doors would not open from the inside without a key – which was still in the hands of the security guards outside.

Relieved at last to be able to demonstrate their macho destructive power, the three pointed their shotguns at the windscreen, determined to blow their way out.

Did I mention this was an armoured van?

Oh yes, it did have bullet-proof glass.

All three suffered serious lacerations from the rebounding pellets, but they did inflict sufficient damage to break the glass to freedom, sliding bloodily over the bonnet of the van and still being pelted by bread rolls, they beat a limping retreat.

The counselling session was intended to help the victims of the raid avoid post-traumatic stress, but the counsellor realized that further sessions would be unnecessary after her asked each of the guards:

“Didn’t you try to apprehend the attackers?”

“No,” they each replied. “We couldn’t stop laughing.”

I would hence like to nominate the three would-be criminals for an Honourary Mention (if they are still alive).

www.darwinawards.com