Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

[razor1uk]

Ok, its a little bit past easter, but heres an Egg flavoured post...

If you think life is bad, how would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once!
You only get smashed once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard!
Only 2 minutes to get soft!
You share a box with 5 other guys!
After 3 minutes in the hot tub, you get your head smashed in and then a good poking by a load of soldiers!
But worst of all, the only chick thay ever sat on your face was your mother!
So cheer up, your life ain't that bad!
Happy Easter!

 

[Wayne Little]

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

"Watchmen" and "Kung Fu Panda". x2

 

[Maestro]

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

Those guys already exists... unfortunately for the girls, they are all gay.

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen.

Uh ? I thought it would have been something more like :

I pray for a gorgeous bisexual nympho between 20 and 30 who wouldn't mind taking one of her female friend to bed.
Amen.

Oh, well...

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[wheelsup_cavu]

--------
Uh ? I thought it would have been something more like :

I pray for a gorgeous bisexual nympho between 20 and 30 who wouldn't mind taking one of her female friend to bed.
Amen.

Oh, well...

If she took one of her female friends to bed, what do you plan on doing ?


Wheels

 

[gumbyk]

As long as she doesn't give him a rolex, wheels...

The lesbians next door gave me a rolex for my birthday, very nice but i think they misunderstood when i said i wanna watch

 

[wheelsup_cavu]

Gumby


Wheels

 

[Maestro]

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO !

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[timshatz]

Love it.

 

[gumbyk]

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?"

"No", she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher".

 

[Gnomey]

 

[KMeyrick]

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

Which I why I always use the word "Students"

 

[Maestro]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[gumbyk]

The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk:

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says,

" You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late.

His friend looks at him and says " Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!! " and she acts like she's sound asleep!

Works Every Time.