Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

[Wayne Little]

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

 

[Wurger]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[v2]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."


"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi.

 

[Wayne Little]

Now that is a good one...

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Crimea_River]

Now that is a good one...

Yep, and an old one!

 

[Njaco]

Another Famous American converts to Islam ...

It was announced today that Buckwheat, of "Our Gang" fame, has converted to the Muslim faith and changed his name to:

Kareem of Wheat.

I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Crimea_River]

Cheerio Chris!

 

[Crimea_River]

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher" she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what"?

"A rectum stretcher!"

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet"

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge"

 

[michaelmaltby]

Life Science ... this will help the yung 'uns


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lc3LUCu8-IU

 

[vikingBerserker]

My God, I dwell in the Danger Zone - My life suddenly makes much more sense to me now!

 

[Airframes]

We're doomed !

 

[Gnomey]

 

[gumbyk]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[michaelmaltby]

Gone Fishin'

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."



Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him ashot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."



His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store

was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?



"The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".



The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."



The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"



The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".



The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"



The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."



The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"



The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."