Get Lucky!

[Njaco]

I've eaten escamoles in Mexico City, Casu Marzu in Sardinia and Lutefish steeped in lye. I've struggled with pacha in Bagdad and balut in Cambodia. I've had potted meat (mechanically seperated chicken) and Pickled Pork Lips and the bewildering Chili Brick. Big Macs in New York, Beggin' Strips in Detroit and Cuitlacoche in Tampa. I've had durian blow my nostrils out. Hell, I've eaten just about anything as long as there was some hair around it! But this! This was from Satan's own arse!

I shoved the mass into my mouth and immediately regretted it. I wanted to run my tongue across tree bark to get the taste out! Unfortunately, swallowing didn't help dissipate the flavor because the ooze melted, coating my mouth and lips with a glistening sheen of sadness. I was overcome by an urge to go in the field and eat grass until it was all out of me. It was that bad. The worst part was it smelled like corn that forgot to wipe. But I didn't let my hosts know what I was thinking.

I smiled at Candy Bar as my tongue tried to find a way out of my mouth. Roscoe just stood there, looking like he'd been pulled backward through a knothole. Grunting "foufff', he lowered the bat.
"All of it." said Candy Bar and stepped towards me to make sure I did. Fighting back an urge to puke my entire body out of my nose, I faced Roscoe.
"Hey buddy that's a nice shirt, what brand is it? Clearance?" I asked, trying to change the subject. The remainder of the glop that was on my lap, slid onto the ground and crawled away to join a Mariachi Band.
"That'll do, pig." he replied and started swinging the bat around in front of him. I was stunned that he could talk.

It was about this time that the lump of sludge hit my stomache.

I was in the middle of thinking of a come-back when my intestines interrupted the proceedings with a low grumble that grew in volume and length. Beauty and the Beast stopped and started staring at my mid-section. I found myself watching the upper part of my belt buckle as another grumble rolled out, almost as another language. I had an uncomfortable feeling that meant only one thing. A fis.

Another grumble and I let loose. Long in duration and piercing in sound, I had to say I was kinda proud. Geronimo and Pocahantas stood there dumbfounded, the cricket bat hanging limp at his side. Another second and their faces started to contort into strange shapes, like they were sucking on lemons. Sound wasn't the only gift that sludge had to offer. It brought with it a smell that would have gagged a maggot. I almost want to say it was like a freshly douched pork chop. Mutt and Jeff couldn't handle it. They fell to the ground and started writhing as the methane cloud passed over them and the campfire. I thought I was in trouble at that point but the fire actually blew out. It was then while they were trying to stuff dirt up their noses that I made my escape.

Breaking out one last promp, I bolted into the field and started running as fast as I could through the moonlit stalks, smiling to myself at how lucky I could be sometimes and praying I wasn't leaving a trail to follow me by.

 

[ccheese]

I broke out in a cold sweat just reading this. Egad, Chris, why are you
wasting time playing ACO ?? I keep telling you.... you need an agent !

Of course..... NJACO's do eat regularly, don't they ?

Charles

 

[Njaco]

Thanks Charles and everybody else. I'm having fun.

 

[Lucky13]

Top notch Njaco, top notch....!

 

[A4K]

"Hi, I'll have a Big mac, large fries,a coke, and , oh, do you have those bar-b-q earthworms and Lutefresh edible soaps? I'm shopping for my in-laws"

 

[DBII]

yum yum, just like mom use to make.... makes me miss B rations....

DBII

 

[Njaco]

And now a word from our sponsors....

 

[DBII]

Time to raid the kicthen for a beer and snack

DBII

 

[Njaco]

It was a dark and stormy night. Ok, maybe it wasn't so stormy. Actually there weren't any clouds. And maybe not so dark as there was a half moon that bathed the fields in a silver sheen. But I didn't care. I was running - again - trying to get as far away from Mr. and Mrs. Neanderthal. My gut was still doing colon coughs and I must have sounded like a 5hp Briggs Stratton with a loose spark plug. After a few minutes, I stopped and crouched in the tall weeds, listening if they were following me. Nothing. Except one last tremendous fart which left me standing in my own crop circle.

Nobody was following. At least not through the sulfur trail.

I decided to keep walking - if I was moving I'd be a harder target. Maybe. I still had to take a leak but I wanted to be sure it was safe before I did. And it didn't seem all that safe here. In the distance I could hear crickets and frogs and a foghorn and Celine Deion music. I kept walking. After a few minutes I could make out a large, dark shape looming ahead of me. It appeared to be a house and as I got closer I confirmed it. But it wasn't any house I had ever seen before. It was built like small boxes on top of each other, kind of like those new flats in Upplands Vasby. A monkey with a hammer could have done better. By the light of the moon, I found a door on one of the cubicles. I opened it cautiously.

Inside it was dark except for the light of a lone candle. I could see the place was dirty and dusty with chairs and tables and a few couches. And soccer balls. Hundreds of them all around the place. On the floor, the chairs, even a few hanging from the ceiling. They were covered in dust and I could barely see the name brands. Not that it mattered. The balls that were hanging cast strange shadows from the lone candle across the room and they moved with each flicker. Except one shadow. It moved without aid of the light.

"All of my cats have names."
The shadow spoke with a grizzled voice that I could tell was aged.
"Is that what they're called -- cats?" I said, straining to see who was talking.
"Yes, cats, of course. What else could they be? Cats. Of course each one has his own name too." it said and moved into the thin light. He was an old man, covered in a bedsheet with tuffs of blue-grey hair poking out in patches. He was so shriveled I thought he had taken a 5 hour bath. One more wrinkle and he'd pass for a prune. A blotched hand reached down and started stroking one of the soccer balls.
"But there are so many of them. Do you know each one separately?" I asked, and wanted to smile. He seemed harmless unless he dropped the bedsheet. I had a feeling that he believed that a blood vessel was some kind of ship.

"Yes indeed, everyone. Actually,they all have three." he said, "The naming of cats is a difficult matter. It isn't just one of your holiday games. You may think at first I'm mad as a hatter when I tell you a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES."
He took a breath.
"An ordinary name and a fancy name. That's two. Do you want to guess what the third one is?"
I was speechless. Maybe he wasn't so harmless. I started to glance around for a weapon.
"But above and beyond there's still one name left over, And that is the name that you never will guess; The name that no human research can discover -- - But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess." he reached down and started stroking another soccer ball on a table, "Will you, my pet?"
It rolled off the table and onto the floor, joining a thousand others.
"Why did you go little fourpaws? You forgot to shut your big eyes." and he closed his eyes for a moment; then, "I have a Gumble Cat in mind!"

Here we go again, I thought and was hoping for a fast way out. I wasn't about to last another minute with Einstein the Cat Professor. I had to pee! I tried to switch gears.
"How long have you been living here?" I asked.
"For as long as I can remember." he answered without looking at me, just following the balls on the floor.
"How did you get here?"
"I have always been here..." he said.
"Are there any other humans?"
"Gracious...no." he answered, as if it was a stupid question. Like he would know the difference.
"Have any other people ever passed through?" I tried to watch out stepping on the soccer balls and looked for a phone or anything that I could contact civilization with. Or a bathroom.
"Only one." he said and sat down with a dust cloud into an easy chair. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the picture of Lucky his sisters had given me.
"Who was it? Did they look like this?" I asked, not expecting a positive answer. But miracles will never cease.
"Yes...oh, my...that was him." he said and picked up a ball and started stroking it. Obscenely.

 

[Wayne Little]

Strewth a week without getting Lucky!... time for another fix....please!

 

[Njaco]

I was stunned! He had seen Lucky?! I showed him the polaroid again.
"Are you sure this was the guy you saw?" I asked.
"He didn't like my cats." he mumbled and shuffled through some books on a table. As he moved, his head hit one of the hanging soccer balls and you would have thought it was made of crystal the way he grabbed it and started to carress it.
"Gus is the cat at the theatre door. His name, as I ought to have told you before, Is really Asparagus. That's such a fuss To pronounce, that we usually call him just Gus." he said and smiled.
I wanted to shout and dance and get a subscription to Reader's Digest! I finally had a solid lead on that Lucky bastard! After all the disasters of the past 24 hours, I was getting close. Close to getting Lucky.
"Where did he go?" I asked, holding back my enthusiasm.
"Campbell Soup, Neve Campbell, Bruce Campbell, Clan Campbell........"
"Campbelltown!" I shouted and accidently kicked a few balls. He frowned at me.
"Thats it. He didn't like my cats. Said my Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. Whats an antenna?"
I was on the right trail. But how to get to Campbelltown. The thought of using another form of transportation in this country made me shudder. But I couldn't walk either. That, somehow, was just as bad.
"I've got to get there, somehow." I whispered to myself. He must have heard me.
"I may be able to get you there. I'm full of secrets like Macavity." he said and winked at me. He started to shuffle over to a darker corner of the room, to a door and opened it.
"Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,
There never was a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity." he spoke and disappeared through the door.

I followed him.

We had walked out the back of the shambles of the house and into the yard - a yard covered with more soccer balls. It was starting to get light outside and the dawn was over my shoulder. He rambled over to something covered in a dirty, brown tarp. He smiled and started to sing.
"My uncle has a country place that no one knows about. He says it used to be a farm before the motor laws......"
And with that he pulled the tarp off.

It was a car.
A '73 Australian Ford XB GT Falcon with a Weiand supercharger on top of a 300bhp 351ci V8 with a 4-Speed Toploader. It was all flat black and had a Peter Arcadipane Spoiler on the boot. All of this sitting on Sunraysia steel centered van wheels. The dust was heavy on the car and I could see Bremen ballprints running across the hood. He held out the keys.
"I heard that this will work it. Do you know how?"
"Do I ever!" I spouted and grabbed the keys and slid in behind the Maxrob steering wheel. After I first moved the soccer ball out of the seat. Settling in, I put the key in the ignition and turned it. Lights and dials came on and Abba started blasting out of the radio. The old man started to jump up and down and clapped his hands. I peed alittle.
"Jellicle cats have cheerful faces,
Jellicle cats have bright black eyes;
They like to practice their airs and graces
And wait for the Jellicle Moon to rise." he recited, as happy as a dog with two tails. The going got weird, and he turned pro.
I stomped on the gas pedal twice and then turned the key one more click. The engine coughed then burst to life, shaking the dust off in a cloud that floated over and settled on the old man. It made him even happier. He mouthed something to me but I couldn't hear over the roar of that V8. All the better. I quickly shifted into drive and hit the pedal. As the rear wheels grabbed the ground, I took the soccer ball that was in the car and tossed it at him through the window.
"Get him neutered!" I yelled as I drove away from the confused old man and out of the rising sun. Now to really get Lucky!

 

[wilbur1]

Now were talkin baby! gimme thew car and the 2 blondes woohooo

 

[Njaco]

It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down. I had the radio on and I was drivin'. I felt so good, like anything was possible I hit the cruise control and rubbed my eyes. I was workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads.

I turned the radio off.

I pushed the Falcon to the redline as I burst through the fields amidst a haze of mosquitos. I had no clue where I was, only that I was getting close to Lucky and the end of this case. Thank God! Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others. And this day wasn't going to take forever.

Jumping a ditch I finally reached a highway. The street was empty. Low fog skimmed the road below a gray stew of a sky. It was slightly fuzzy, slightly surreal. Like Mother Nature had an anureysm. My gut was empty and my bladder was full. And I only had a quarter tank of petrol in the tank. I was hoping that was enough to get me to Lucky. The motor hummed like a giant wasp and the air that passed my window smelled like the place where whales go to die. A mile or so on I passed a sign that told me I was headed in the right direction. Campbelltown was a few miles ahead. I smiled to myself and scratched an itch. I wanted to get there fast. A sudden quick clash of gears and in a moment, that easily gliding car assumed a breath-taking speed - the tires fairly hummed with the sudden acceleration. There was a look of surprise in the rabbit that didn't quite make it across the road. Same for the squirrel. And the wallabee. My palms were starting to sweat with anticipation. I think.

Another mile or so and I came across one of the most horrible accidents I had ever witnessed. I banged the gear shift into neutral and yanked the parking brake, sending the Falcon into a power drift on the straight. When the black machine finally came to a stop, I looked on the sight with a morbid fascination. I almost cried, it was so absolutely gut wrenching. Some survivors of the accident were still in the wreckage. No police or emergency personnel had arrived and there was glass everywhere. I was so stunned I couldn't get out of the car. Some victims were so broken up I couldn't tell one from the other. It showed the importance of being properly strapped in.

When emergency help arrived I tried to do my part and and even performed mouth to mouth on quite a few of them, but none apparently survived. I slinked back to the car and left, badly in need of a drink.

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[Wayne Little]

Friggin' brilliant NJ!!

 

[Njaco]

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Get all your Get Lucky merchandise here!

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This supersedes all previous notices.

 

[Wayne Little]

Still laughing man....

 

[Njaco]

I was hoping you would!

 

[ccheese]

You should be writing the scripts for "Ugly Betty" on TV.

Brilliant, Chris.... wonner-ful, wonner-ful.

Charles

 

[Lucky13]

I'm choking here..... Most excellent buddy!

 

[Catch22]

You're a figgin' genius!